Not sure how I feel

Well Christmas day was emotional but lovely. I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about doing ivf again. In many ways, I want to get on with it and see what's going to happen, but in a way, I'm still really scared about going through all that again only to face the same heartbreak. I guess I will just see how I feel when af arrives again.
My sister has brought sky lanterns to let go on new years eve, so we can all make a wish, I just hope they work!
Love and babydust to all xxxx

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How do I get over it?

Its been 3 months since our cancelled/failed ivf cycle and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened.  I just don't know how to get through it and move on. A girl I cycled with is having twins and as delighted as I am for her, I can't help feeling hurt. That reminder of how far along u would be is just so hard to take. I never dreamt that things would turn out like this and I just don't know how to accept it and move on. It all just hurts so much :o(

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Scared

Got my counselling session at care this morning and I'm really scared. I don't know why, I'm just worried about what I will have to go through, reliving everything that went wrong and trying to think positive when all I can think is how bloody unlucky we must be for it to have happened in the first place. I guess I just need to wait and see what happens. Just hope I can keep the tears away long enough to actually speak.
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Struggling

Cd34 + still no af, but of course I'm not pregnant :o( I'm just finding it so hard at the min. our review went ok but we don't have any answers as to what happened, it was basically pure bad luck :o( which tbh doesn't make it any easier. Cons said there was about a 0.3% chance of what happened 2 us happening, which really didn't help! I just feel like the must unlucky person ever. Maybe its just the hormones, but I just want 2 cry :o( I hv lost all hope of our nxt attempt working, I just think there is something very wrong that means I will never have a baby :o(


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Feeling Blue

What a day.  Today was my dh's stepdads funeral :o(  It was a truly lovely service and very fitting for the man he was, it was perfect.  It breaks my heart to see them all so hurt and upset and there is nothing I can do to make it all better, to ease their pain.  I know this sounds incredibly selfish but it hurts me so much that my dh has gone a million miles away from me.  I feel like I have lost a huge part of him and the rest is slowly slipping away from me too.  We are so distant right now I dont know if we can ever go back :o(  I know IVF puts a strain on couples but at first it started to bring us closer but with everything else that has happened, we have just fallen so far apart.  We have so little in common these days and never seem to have anything to say to each other.  We are no longer a couple and I dont think we will ever be a family :o(  I just want the man I married back xxxx

Things can only get better!!!

I slipped and fell on Monday morning thanks to my big dopey girl Skye.  She has this terrible habbit of dribbling water ALL over the floor and I slipped on the tiles on Monday and hurt my foot.  I thought it was just bruised and sprained until yesterday when it got a lot worse and I could barely walk on it.  Off to A&E we went!  Sat and waited for a couple of hours and was told it was most likely fractured in 1 or 2 places...bugger!  I had a temp cast put on as x-ray had closed by the time we were seen.  After spending a seriously uncomfortable night with this big heavy cast, I went for the x-ray....no fracture :o)  YAY!!!  Although it looks like I have torn the main ligament in my foot which is probably as bad if not worse than a break as there is nothing you can do to help it heal :o(  I'm still on crutches but without the horrible cast so thats something at least! 

Fingers crossed things really can only get better!!! 

OTD

Today would have been OTD :o(  I know it seems silly to be thinking about something that never was but still its on my mind.  What might have been???  I'm pretty sure its safe to say that today would have only lead to heartache and at least this way we get another go with a tweaked protocol which will hopefully lead to better results :o)  We have decided to completely write this year off and start our IVF journey again next year.  I will continue to blog with everyday life until our journey continues.  For now, its quite nice to be officially off the TTC rollercoaster for a while! 

So Alone

I know I shouldnt be writing this post as it just seems so heartless and selfish but I need to put my feelings somewhere before they take over.

The past 2 weeks have been nothing but heartache.  DH's stepdad passed away last Thurs :o(  The pain for everyone is just awful.  I wish there was something I could do to help them but there isnt.  DH is trying to be the strong one, keeping it together for everyone else but it is affecting him more than he would admit.  He hasnt slept properly for over a week, which I guess is to be expected but he just seems to be shutting me out, which doesnt help the way I am feeling.  It feels like I am not part what has happened as I'm not 'family' but I am, any pain they feel, I feel :o(

On top of all that, the whole failure/cancellation of our IVF is unbearable.  I feel I need to deal with it, to process what happened but I cant.  It just seems to selfish of me to be thinking about that when my DH and his family are going through hell.  Having spoken to my lovely BB friends, I know what I am feeling is normal and expected following an unsuccesful tx but it doesnt make me feel any better about it.  I just feel like a really bad person :o(  I just know I need to deal with it though as its eating away at me.  The hurt is awful.  I know I never had my embie put back and it was never officially a baby but I still feel like I have lost my baby :o(  Everyday I wonder what might have been, would it have implanted by now, would I be on track for a BFP next week?!  No-one at work has even mentioned IVF or asked what happened.  Its like they have forgotten all about it just because I'm not pregnant :o(  I went through all that for nothing and no-one seems to care.  That sounds so mardy and selfish I know.  I'm not seeking attention for what happened, I just want someone to acknowledge it, realise that it meant something.  I know we get another chance but right now that is of no comfort.  The thought of having to go through all that, the scans, the injections, blood tests, EC is just awful.  I just dont want to put myself through that again but know I have to.  I'm hoping I will feel better after our review appt in Oct when we will hopefully have some answers as to what went wrong and how we can fix it.  For now, I guess I just keep on going and hope that these feelings will slowly disappear. 

Love, luck and babydust xxxx

Heartbreak

Well it is most definitely all over now :o(  I'm absolutely gutted.  Cried for an hour solid this morning.  However, there are much more important things happening right now as hubby's stepdad is on life support in intensive care after a massive heartattack.  They are very unsure if/how he will recover due to the time he was without oxygen.  It makes my heartbreak seem so silly and selfish.  I just have to push all that aside and look after my hubby and his family right now, they are what is important. xxxx

Fight or flight

And so the journey continues.  I slowly picked myself up off the floor yesterday and had slight PMA by the time I hit my bed last night, albeit in pain and cuddled up to my heat pad!!! Unfortunately, the news today was also not good :o( My lone survivor is a fragmented grade 3. Once again I was in floods of tears and absolutely gutted. I eventually calmed myself down and rang them back to speak to the embryologist again. She was lovely and assured me that my embie, although fragmented, is looking good. She said the only reason they grade them is to pick the best one, in my case they dont have that choice but my embie is dividing well and is 6 cells today. She has promised to ring me in the morning to give me a quick update on how it has grown, hopefully to put my mind at rest that it is ok. Transfer is booked for 1.30pm tomorrow so fingers and toes and everything else possible crossed that my little fighter keeps dividing and is a nice number of cells to put back tomorrow. Although, the tears keep threatening, I have decided that all I can do now is be as strong and positive as I can and give my little embie the very best chance of making it. I'm having acu this aft and tomorrow after trans also so hopefully this will help the little one snuggle down for the long haul.

Love, luck and sticky babydust xxxx

Devastated

It kills me to have to write this post :o(  We went in for EC yesterday and all went well.  We had 9 eggs collected and agreed to aim for a blast transfer.........that was yesterday.

The call finally came this morning from the embryologist.....not good news, pretty much the worst news I could have imaginied.  Out of the 9 eggs, only 3 were mature....3 WTF????  They ICSI'd all 3 but on 1 fertilised....1 FFS!  I just cant believe this has happened.  I wasnt expecting miracles, but to only have 1 embryo is absolutely devastating.  I'm absolutely gutted.  It feels like it is all over before the 2ww has even begun.  They have said that our single embryo looks ok and they will ring with an update in the morn but tbh, I dont even think that one will survive....its just not meant to be :o(

Cooked at last :o)

I honestly never thought I would get to this stage after that 1st scan but finally I cant believe I will be having EC on Saturday :o)  HCG is at 9pm tonight and I have to be at Care for 8.30am on Sat, I am soooooooo pleased that it is finally happening and the injections will all be over as of tonight.  Bring on Saturday and some lovely eggs....WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Loads of love, luck and sticky babydust to all xxxx

Losing it :o(

I think all these hormones are finally getting to me.  I seem to be losing it somewhat this evening.  The smallest things are sending me into a complete meltdown....like dropping a few peas on the floor....WHAT, how stupid?!?!?  I just feel so fed up of this whole thing and feel like I'm never going to move on, which I know is complete rubbish as its only a few more days, a week at most (I seriously hope!), I just seem to have been on stimms forever, which really is the last thing I expected.  I thought it would take forever to DR and be really quick on stimms, instead it has been the complete opposite which I guess just goes to show that you can never predict how your body is going to respond to the drugs!  I think I just reallly need some 'me time' which I am hoping to get over the next couple of days as I am off work and can hopefully relax and take it easy.

Fingers crossed my silly body does what it should and we have a good number of follies ready by Wednesday, I really dont know what I will do if they say Ive got to continue longer, although I have to say I wont be at all suprised if they do after todays results!!

As they say, Que Sera Sera..... :o) xxxx

Fed up.com

Well scan #3 today and still no progress to next stage :o(  I'm getting really sick of all this waiting now.  I just want to get on with EC/ET and get the 2ww started.  I feel like I'm stuck in ground hog day!!!  Today I have about 10 size 8/9mm, a couple that are about 10mm, a 15mm and a 16.5mm, so I guess they are growing, just at a ridiculously slow pace!  They havent change my drug doses either which is frustrating, just got to keep crawling along and hope that they eventually grow to the required size.  Im just really hoping that I get a good number that grow as I dont want just a few after all this!  The injections I can just about handle, its the emotional turmoil that is getting really hard to cope with.  I just dont know how to feel, one minute I'm ok and really positive, the next I feel awful and just want it all over with.  I guess its the hormones raging but it doesnt make it any easier!  If hear "it will all be worth it in the end" one more time, I think I may just scream!  I know people are just trying to help and keep me positive but it really doesnt help, it just makes me feel even more frustrated!?  Oh well, it has to all come to an end at some point....doesnt it?!?!  I think I just need some time to myself, maybe a nice warm (not hot!) bath and a good book are in order :o) 

Roll on Wednesday and more blood tests!!!

Loads of love, luck and sticky babydust for all xxxx

Slowly Slowly

Well my 2nd stim scan didnt how much really!  There was very little change in the size of my follies.  The biggest now is 10.5 so they are starting to grow but very slowly, which is what they want as they are trying to minimise the risk of OHSS due to the nubmer of potential follies I have!  I am to continue with the stims for now and have to go back again for another scan and blood test on Monday.  I'm just really hoping that they grow lots over the weekend and I am ready come Monday....I've had enough of injections now!  I just want this stage to be over with and move onto the next steps :o)  I'm signed off work now until 21/09 which is quite a relief as I've been feeling so crappy and incedibly tired, I know I really need to take it easy and rest up if I have any chance of this being successful.

Fingers crossed everyone

Loads of love, luck and sticky babydust to all xxxx

A few too many!!!

Well I had my 1st stim scan today and the results were suprising to say the least....I have over 50 follicles!!!!!!
I have;
30+ on my right side, biggest being about 9
20+ on my left side, biggest being about 7.5
Didnt hear what my lining thickness was!?

I nervously awaited my phone call in the afternoon, worried to death that they might cancel my cycle....only to be told to carry on as I have been and go back for 2nd scan on Friday!?!?!?  I was quite suprised as they didnt seem concerned at all that I had got so many follies?!  I guess its a good thing so just have to trust them to know what they are doing and hope I dont end up with serious OHSS.  I am just hoping and praying now that I can get to EC ok with a good number of eggs and not too many to cause trouble for ET! 

Everything crossed for good results on Friday :o)  I'm really hoping that my follies will be ready then as I am really getting sick of injections now.  I am certainly ready for all this to be over and be in the 2ww!

Tons of love, luck and sticky babydust to all xxxx

Stimming!!!

Well its day 4 of stimms and so far so good.  The injections are quite painful but I've been using ice which is making it easier to do as you dont feel the needle as much!  Ive been getting really tender points at the injection site the day after which is a bit strange but all in all not too bad.  No major side effects just yet other than bloating which I am kinda used to cos of the endo.  My stimms scan is on Wed and I cant wait.  I just really hope that we get good results and there are lots of nice looking follies there :o)

DR Scan!

Had my DR scan today...went really well :o)  I am all DR'd now and have had confirmation I can start stimms tomorrow.....YAY!!!!!  Not that I'm exactly thrilled to be jabbing twice a day but hey ho, its a step closer to finishing the injections for good :o)  I cant believe how quickly it has all happened.  After the months of waiting and waiting and waiting, its all finally happening....very quickly!!!  I cant wait though, for the first time in my life, I will technically be pregnant...OMG!!!!  I just hope and pray with everything I have that it sticks :o)

Love, luck and babydust to all xxxx

Keep Going

Well its going ok.  The injections were really good for the first few days, no trouble, no pain, no problems.  After a week though I think my body is starting to feel the effects of being jabbed every day and filled with hormones.  The injections themselves are starting to be painful both to insert the needle and push the drug through.  I just keep reminding myself why I'm doing it and that it will all be worth it :o)  I'm having a few hot flushes and headaches but the acupuncture has really helped keep most of the side effects at bay.  I have a trapped nerve in my shoulder at the min which is causing me an extreme amount of pain.  I'm off work as I cant drive and the pain is just too much to concentrate on anything anyway :o(  I'm just hoping it calms down soon as I really dont want to be off work and could really do without this extra pain!!!  I have my DR scan tomorrow so am really excited to hopefully be starting stimms by the end of the week :o)  It will be all go soon after that and I will be in the 2ww......YAY!!!!  We have already had a couple of BFP's on my thread on the Care forum which is just fabulous.  I can only hope that I will be joining in with their celebrations soon :o)

Love, luck and sticky babydust to all xxxx

AF already!!!

The witch has actually turned up early for once!!!  CD25 and shes here so the nasty pill must have done the trick!!!  Im in pain but quite happy :o)  The injections are going really well, although my only wish would be that these headaches b*gger off!!!  All in all, so far so good sums it up pretty well.  Heres hoping that it all continues to go as smoothly! 

Bring it on :o) xx

And so it begins!!!!

Today was injection teach and I actually did my 1st DR injection :o)  They were happy for me to start today CD20.  It was a lot easier than I was expecting which was a nice suprise as I thought it would hurt as much as the HCG's did....but it didnt :o)  I am a lot less nervous/scared about doing the injections now, I am sure they will be fine!  As the good ol' cliche goes...."it will all be worth it in the end"!!!!

BRING IT ON!!!

Bring it on!!!

Only 2 more sleeps until I start DR injections :o)  I have injection teach tomorrow then start DR on Sat 7th Aug.  I absolutely cant wait to just get started.  Everything seems to have taken soooooooo long to come around, it will be fabulous to actually start tx.  I'm trying incredibly hard to keep my PMA as high as possible in the hope that it will pay off!  I'm absolutely LOVING acupuncture!  Its kinda painful sometimes for a split second when the needles go in, but it is so incredibly relaxing, I'm totally addicted to it!!!  Again, heres hoping that it will pay off and help me achieve my dream :o)

Love, luck and babydust xxxx

Wooooohoooooooo

The witch finally arrived on Sunday :o)  I have never been so happy to see her!!!  So now I am on the final countdown to properly starting treatment....YAY!!!!  The pill has had just given me a yucky feeling so far but I can cope with that as long as I dont get the awful headaches I used to get with it....oh and the weight gain, I could really do without that!  My injection teach is booked for Friday 6th Aug at 3pm.  DH is coming with me too so we can do the consent forms at the same time.  My 1st injection is on the Sat 7th so hopefully I will remember everything ok!?  I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest but know its got to be done and it will be soooooooo worth it in the end :o)

Still waiting!

CD30 and still no AF :o(  I just really wish she would turn up so I can start the pill and my countdown to CD21 so I can finally start IVF for real.  It just feels like all we have done is wait and wait and wait for so long....I just want to get on with it!  Even my dh said the same today..."has she turned up yet?....I just want to get started".  I know exactly what he means!!!  I have lost count of how many times I have read my protocol, look at the drugs, the needles, even the sharps box!!!!  Its not unusual for me to go to CD34 so I am by no means expectant, I just wish she wouldnt mess me around like this, not now!  The hormones are starting to kick in a bit already.  I feel so emotional at the min.  A little insecure I guess and so very scared of what the next couple of months may or may not bring.  The acupuncture is excellent and really helping me to relax.  Its great to have someone to talk to as well as we get on really well.  I just hope it works! 

Anyway, will continue waiting....after all this time, whats a few more days eh?!

Getting somewhere!

Waiting, waiting, waiting....its all we ever seem to do!!!  However, finally we are starting to get somewhere...I have my written protocol and drugs prescription, woohooooo!!! :o)  I have still got to sort out going to get the drugs as I've got to go to Derby to get the prescription signed and get the drugs then I've got to go to Notts for the injection training!  I'm still about 6 weeks off starting the injections though but only 3 weeks until I will hopefully be on the cycle in which I will finally start my tx.  It seems like forever since we started this journey and I thought we'd never get started but having the protocol has made things seem a little more real.  I just cant wait to get the drugs so it sinks in even more! 

I had my 1st acupuncture session on Saturday too.  That was amazing.  I really didnt know what to expect but it was actually really really good.  I instantly clicked with my therapist, shes really lovely and we get on extremely well which I think is half the battle.  The treatment itself was fine, a little pain with some of the points but only for a second or two as the needle went in.  Susan explained everything brilliantly and really made me feel at ease and confident about the whole experience and its positive effects on my life as a whole as well as fertility.  I cant wait for my next session a week on Mon :o)

I have now given up alcohol completely and have cut back caffeine intake to an absolute minimum.  I have also read Zita Wests new book which is totally fab, extremely helpful and full of exellent tips and advice.  I will be starting to listen to my relaxation CD also at the beginning of my tx cycle.  All in all, I think I am doing pretty much everything I can do to maximise our chances of success!

Wooohoooo!!!

Happy Days!!!  After all the stressing, my AFC scan went really well :o)  I seem to have quite a high number of antral follicles!  The nurse was really pleased with the results and said that they would have to watch I didnt end up with OHSS.  My lining was really good for the tom too so all in all, really pleased!  They also explained DH's results properly which has totally put my mind at rest....they are really good not really bad as we had thought!  Just got to wait for the written protocol coming through with my drug prescription then we can start on which ever cycle we want...OMG!!!  I'm just really excited now and cant wait to get started!!!  It will prob be July/Aug now as its too close to my next cycle and we go away in a week anyway!  Plus, I am having acupuncture so I need enough time before tx to get a good few sessions of that in to give us the best chance possible.  I have also stocked up on the brazil nuts and pineapple juice as theyre said to be good for egg quality and sticky lining :o)

Not that I want to rush the year on or anything but ROLL ON JULY!!!!

Hating the Waiting!

AF finally turned up but they cant fit me in for my antral follice count until CD21 :o(  Its supposed to be done in the 1st half of the cycle so I'm really not sure if this will be any use but they have told me to go anyway just in case.  I'm just really hoping it is ok as I really cant stand the waiting.  I just want to get on with it all now.  I want to get on with our treatment and get the amazing, life changing result that we are hoping for. 

Frustrations

Why the hell is it that just because you want the evil witch to turn up, she bl**dy wont!?  CD30 and still no signs whatsoever!  I've been waiting and hoping for her to turn up so that I can book my antral follicle scan but so far, nothing?!  Its not unusual for me to go to CD35 but as my hopes most certainly arent up, I really thought she wouldnt play these silly games this time.  My dh's latest sa came back really negative so I have pretty much given up all hope of any chance of a natural pregnancy, although this is the only bad sa result we have had, so I'm really not sure why we had such a bad result???

Anyways, I just wish the evil one would turn up so I can get my scan booked and get my written protocol and drugs ready to start next cycle!

And so it begins...

...our ICSI journey.

After 5yrs of TTC (with 1 yr break due to adenomyosis treatment) we are about to embark on our final leg of the journey.  We have had 3 failed IUI attempts and are now due to start ICSI in June/July.  We only get 1 attempt on NHS (+ any frozen embies) and after that its all over as I will never get pg naturally.  We havent got our written protocol yet as I've got to have my antral follicle scan in a few weeks to determine dosages etc.  Then I start the pill for 3 weeks to regulate things and its onto Buserelin for down-regs and Menopur for stimms.  I'm used to doing the pregnyl injection from the IUI's but these injections I am really NOT looking forward to :o(  I am sure all will be ok though and if we get that fabulous outcome, then it will all become a distant memory.

So, here it is, the start of my final journey for a baby.  Hoping and praying it will lead to my family being complete. xx