To be or not to be....

I guess that is the question right now.

So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer!  With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together.  With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests!  I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD).  As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head.  I knew they were going to be negative :o(  3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'.  A silent tear rolled  down my cheek.  I just couldnt believe it.  I was shocked and stunned.  I honestly thought I was pregnant.  Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o(  With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result. 
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept.  It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb.  As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result.  I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o(  As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*.  Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule.  It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o(  DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him.  I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts.  Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.

Too scared for words

Tomorrow is otd + I'm absolutely petrified. The thought of testing fills me with utter dread. I can't think about anything else, my head is a mess! I honestly have no idea what it will be, bfn or bfp. I could quite easily convince myself either way. On my positive days, its like how can o not be? Its obvious with my symptoms. On my negative days, its like, how can I possibly be? Its impossible. This whole process is just so incredibly hard + the 2ww is pure torture.
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/

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The Incredible Journey...

...loved that film!

Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF.  6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww.  The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear.  The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch.  To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement.  With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world.  To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!!  I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing.  Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing.  Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all.  You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you.  We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing.  Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days!  Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart.  I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result.  I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!!  Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative.  The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also.  Its 50/50 isnt it.  Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome.  Its all down to nature now.  All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.

Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx

Loving this feeling!

3dpt and so far so good.  I've been very well behaved and resting loads!  I obviously dont know if we will get our BFP or not but right now I'm just really enjoying having my little embie on board :o)  Its crazy really but I really do feel connected to her, shes my baby already.  Apparently, I'm 2 weeks 6 days pregnant!!!!  It may not official but technically this is where I am and it feels amazing!  The pic of our beautiful embie is on the fridge door and I talk to her all the time, telling her to grow and develop into my beautiful strong baby :o)  I just feel sure she will be ok (I say she because I dont like 'it' but a boy will be just as wonderful!) Love you little one xxxx

I'm PUPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!  What a rollercoaster few days.  Our frosties came out on Wednesday 7th March and that afternoon we were met with the shock news that only 2 of them had survived the thaw :o(  This was absolutely gutting news, I thought it was all over.  How could these lone 2 survive to day 3 when 4 had already perished at thaw?  I was devastated.  Little did I know that our little 2 embies were real survivors!  The next morning, I got the dreaded phone call, only to be suprised with the news that our little ones had survived the night and were now 3 cells each :o)  My god, I was happy!  We were to have transfer the next day at 9.30am but were to get another scary phone call at 8am to confirm they had continued to develop overnight.  The phone call came with the lovely news that they were both still ok.  Only 4 cells but this was still growth....transfer was going ahead!!!  Never had we got this far before, I couldnt believe it!  By the time we got there, our strongest little embie had fought on to gain another cell, now a beautiful 5 cell, grade 2 :o)  The transfer itself wasnt pleasant.  I was desperate for a wee and thanks to endo, I think, was fairly painful.  We got there in the end though and our lovely little embie is now safely back where it belongs, in its mummy, snuggling down for the long haul :o)  I'm extremely happy but very nervous of the next couple of weeks!  OTD is 24th March, bring it on!!!

Scary, scary, scary!

Tomorrow is D-Day. The day our 6 little frosties come out to play. Scared doesn't even come close! As confident + positive as I'm feeling, its still utterly terrifying!! The next 3 days are going to be incredibly nerve wrecking! I just keep telling myself by the weekend, we will know where we stand + how the game is going to go! Fingers, toes + all the bits inbetween firmly crossed please :-) xxxxx

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