I know I shouldnt be writing this post as it just seems so heartless and selfish but I need to put my feelings somewhere before they take over.
The past 2 weeks have been nothing but heartache. DH's stepdad passed away last Thurs :o( The pain for everyone is just awful. I wish there was something I could do to help them but there isnt. DH is trying to be the strong one, keeping it together for everyone else but it is affecting him more than he would admit. He hasnt slept properly for over a week, which I guess is to be expected but he just seems to be shutting me out, which doesnt help the way I am feeling. It feels like I am not part what has happened as I'm not 'family' but I am, any pain they feel, I feel :o(
On top of all that, the whole failure/cancellation of our IVF is unbearable. I feel I need to deal with it, to process what happened but I cant. It just seems to selfish of me to be thinking about that when my DH and his family are going through hell. Having spoken to my lovely BB friends, I know what I am feeling is normal and expected following an unsuccesful tx but it doesnt make me feel any better about it. I just feel like a really bad person :o( I just know I need to deal with it though as its eating away at me. The hurt is awful. I know I never had my embie put back and it was never officially a baby but I still feel like I have lost my baby :o( Everyday I wonder what might have been, would it have implanted by now, would I be on track for a BFP next week?! No-one at work has even mentioned IVF or asked what happened. Its like they have forgotten all about it just because I'm not pregnant :o( I went through all that for nothing and no-one seems to care. That sounds so mardy and selfish I know. I'm not seeking attention for what happened, I just want someone to acknowledge it, realise that it meant something. I know we get another chance but right now that is of no comfort. The thought of having to go through all that, the scans, the injections, blood tests, EC is just awful. I just dont want to put myself through that again but know I have to. I'm hoping I will feel better after our review appt in Oct when we will hopefully have some answers as to what went wrong and how we can fix it. For now, I guess I just keep on going and hope that these feelings will slowly disappear.
Love, luck and babydust xxxx
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