Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh

This is getting soooooooo hard :-( yet another friend from school has announced they are pregnant :-( I would never wish this hurt on anyone. It is just so incredibly hard to see everyone else suddenly married + having babies within the year when youve been married 8 years + trying for a baby for 4 years :-( DH really doesn't understand either. He just thinks I'm stupid + totally over reacting when I get upset over hearing their news. I know I'm not unusual in how I feel tho. I know my care girls feel just the same. They understand the pain + heartache I feel. All I want is for that fairytale life everyone else seems to be having. Why does life have to hurt so much? :-(

Sent from my HTC

Those blasted hormones....

....are driving me mad again :o(  I'm so incredibly up and down, I dont know what to do with myself and I know hubby is finding it really hard to understand.  I can go from feeling happy, grateful for the life I have and positive for the future, so really down, upset, angry and totally negative about everything, all in the space of a day :o(  My hormones just seem to run riot just after ovulation and there is nothing I can do to calm them down.  I just have to try my best to ride it out without anything too drastic being said/done as I know they will calm down after af and I will have a couple of weeks feeling reasonably balanced until it starts all over again.  I just feel so angry sometimes, I could scream until my lungs burst and throw anything to hand, preferably breakable.  It hurts so much that so many people around me are having babies without even thinking about it, which, dont get me wrong, it exactly how it should be, but I cant help but be angry that it isnt the same for me.  That I have to struggle, fight and put myself and dh through round after round of ivf with never any result at the end of all that pain :o(  Life just feels so incredibly unfair sometimes and I dont know how to accept or understand it.

The unfairness of life

Today after a long painful day (thanks endo), I was once again reminded just how unfair life can be.  I thought I was doing OK. I thought I was coping quite well with postponing our fet. That was until I read on FB that a friend from school, who only married just a few weeks ago, is pregnant. It hit me so hard in the guts, I felt physically winded. Don't get  me wrong, i would never wish the pain + heartache I + many others feel on anyone, but you still have to wonder about the fairness of it all. Why does someone, barely back from honeymoon get to be pregnant when someone who has tried for years still waits? What is fair about that? It's just cruel + hurtful :-(
Now I know many (including my dh) would say fairness just doesn't come into it but I'm afraid for me, it just does. I can't help but ask that unanswerable question...WHY?
WHY do others get pregnant without trying, when I have to struggle?
WHY do women lose babies they want so badly, when others couldn't care less?
WHY do I have to go through this heartache?
WHY do I have to feel such pain?
WHY WHY WHY???

Sent from my HTC

Confused, Scared & Hurting

I hate feeling like this :-( so incredibly sad + negative about the future of our ivf journey. After the news on thurs, I just know that my eggs are no good. Its the only explanation as to why it has never happened naturally + why ivf keeps going so wrong. I know we have our 6 frosties but I am so scared of losing all of them before we get a chance of putting one back :-( it all just feels so hard right now + I don't think it will change until we have done the fet. To top things off, I am on day 35 today, so the witch is really toying with me :-( I'm trying so hard not to think about what might be but the want is so strong, its too hard not to allow the temptation of the possibility of a natural miracle. I just hope she turns up soon before I'm heartbroken again :-(

Love & sticky baby dust to all who read this xxxx

Sent from my HTC

Can't stop crying

I thought I was going to be OK after the apt yesterday but tonight I just can't stop crying. The thought of never being able to have my own baby is just heartbreaking. I really don't know how to cope with that. I know we have the 6 frosties but there is no guarantee that they will grow let alone be transferred + become a successful pregnancy. The odds are so against us it just feels close to impossible. I feel so emotional about it all which is hard as I had kinda left all that behind after ec + the cancellation. Its just horrible having to relive it all again. All those feelings + emotions I had buried, are now raging like a tsunami, flooding my body + talking out everything in its path :-( I hate feeling like this, so out of control, its scary :-(

Sent from my HTC

Feeling sad :o(

We had our review today....not so good news though :o(  It looks like my suspisions were right....my eggs arent much good :o(  The consultant said that if our 6 frosties fail to grow then it is most likely a problem with my eggs as they have fertilised so it means that the sperm must be ok.  Really upset but know that we have to have faith in our frosties.  One....thats all it takes.....or so they keep telling me :o(

Feeling low :-(

Started to feel really low the last couple of days. Not all that sure why either. I really thought I was OK with the decision to delay our fet but the more time passes, the harder it feels. My sister has started to show now + as happy as I am for her, it reminds me that it still hasn't happened for us. At the end of the day, I want my baby, no-one elses. I have had a promotion at work which is why we have had to delay fet. Its keeping me very busy + helping take my mind off things but there are days like today (when I'm not at work) that it all seems to hurt much more :-(

On a good note, we have booked to go on hol to exmoor which I'm very excited about. It will be out first holiday alone together in over 6 years! We normally go to Cornwall + stay with dh's dad. I sooo can't wait!

Sent from my HTC

Feeling Sad

Emotions seem to be all over the place at the min.  One minute I'm feeling ok and positive about our 6 little frosties, the next I'm feeling really down and convinced that we face a childless future which breaks my heart :o(  My dh would make such an amazing daddy and it hurts so much to think that I may never be able to give him that opportunity.  Then the positive side of me says shut up it aint over yet!!!  Its like I'm splilt in 2 and both sides are fighting it out over how I should feel.  I want the positive side to win because I truly believe that being positive has a great effect on both mind and body.  Its just really hard. 
I'm absolutely delighted that my sister got the all clear at her 12 week scan yesterday.  I wouldnt wish this kind of heartache on anyone.  As I have heard a lot from ivf sisters recently, its not someone elses baby I want, its our own.  It just makes me sad that there is a possibility we may never achieve that dream.

But hey, positive thinking eh?!  We have 6 super strong little frosties waiting for us and it only takes 1 ;o) 

What to feel?

Just feel kinda strange right now.  Its not like last time when it was completely over because we have our 6 little frosties waiting for us :o)  I just really want to get on with it now and get the fet started!  I'm absolutely terrified that none of them will be viable but I have a good feeling that we will get a blast to put back! 

My sister has her 12 week scan today and I'm nervous for her.  I really hope with all my heart that everything is ok.  I may feel sad that it is not me that is pregnant but I want my own baby, not hers.  I wouldnt want to take that away from them for anything.  I cant wait for her to let me know how the scan has gone, I hope beyond hope that mini mark 2 is safe and sound.

Bring on our own FET :o) xx

Heartbroken...again :o(

Well, the phone call came. Wish it hadnt :o(  Its happened again, just with bigger number.  We started with 31, down to 14, only 6 fertilised :o(  Totally heartbroken.  As we cant have one put back now, we dont know how well those 6 will grow and many dont even survive the freeze/thaw process.  The hurt is just as great as last time.  There had to be a compatability issue, thats something we cant change :o(  To make things worse, we cant even have our review appt until Sept as they are losing 2 consultants and new ones dont have appts yet so got to wait forever until we can even discuss what happened and how to approach fet, which I almost feel there is no point as nothing will be good enough to put back anyway :o(
#heartbroken #gutted #seriouslyfuckedoff #:o(

And again it goes wrong...

Well ec was yesterday!  That bit went well, got 31 eggs!  Thats not as good news as it sounds though.  The higher number of eggs, the lower the maturity rate.  We only had 14 that were mature, which is good when you ignore the fact that we had 31 to start with!  The problem with having to many is that the risk of my ohss becoming severe is far too high, so they have cancelled this cycle and will freeze any embies we have today.  Gutted to say the very least but I know it is for the best.  Theres no point having an embie put back if I am too poorly for it to stay on board.  I'm just waiting for that dreaded phone call to say how many have fertilised and so how many we have to freeze...my heart is pounding just thinking of the phone ringing!  I'm just hoping and praying that we have a good number fertilise, otherwise I dont know what we will do :o(  Think positive, think positive!

Seriously terrified now!

Well, finally had the phone call we've been waiting for....I'm ready!  EC is on Wed, hubby's birthday so that will be lovely for him!  Hoping it is a good sign and will bring us luck.  I'm absolutely terrified now its been confirmed.  After everything that happened last time, the thought of those phone calls fill me with absolute dread :o(  I'm just desperately trying to be positive as we have better follies than last time so have everything crossed that we will get more mature eggs and therefore a much better chance of higher fertilisation =  a fabulous chance of a blasto ET and dare I say it even a BFP :-O!!  Ha, I know I'm getting ahead of myself there but I did say I was trying to be positive!

No more tears, must be positive :o) xxx

Nearly There!

Scan again today.  All good with the follies, got about 5/6 that are 17+ and another 5/6 that are 15/16 with lots more that are 10-14 :o)  They have said that hgc will be either tonight or tomorrow night which is fab, I cant wait to start the next stage!  Its seriously scary thinking about what could happen next but its got to be done so lets get on with it!!!

Oh Dear...!

Stimms scan and bloods again today!  All ok but now been put at high level risk of OHSS :o(  I'm in a LOT of pain in ovaries, the poor little things feel like they are fit to burst!  The problem is there are a lot of follies growing in there but just not quite up to scratch yet with their size so just waiting on the phone call this afternoon but will most likely be back on Monday for yet another scan and bloods!  Heres hoping they will be ready by then cause I dont think my body can take much more.  Just hope its all worth it this time!

Time Flies!

Wow, cant believe how quickly things have progressed with this cycle.  Down Reg went well and I'm on day 7 of stimms already!  I had a bit of an emergency scan on day 6 as I was in a lot of pain in my ovaries and was rather scared of OHSS but all was ok with a lining of 9.7 and just a copule of useful follies, 8.5 on my right and 11.5 on my left.  Have got a day 8 scan tomorrow and consents to sign but hoping beyond hope that all will be good tomorrow and we have lots of follies that are progressing nicely.  I'm trying incredibly hard to be positive and take it a day at a time...soooo easier said than done!

Heres to a successful day tomorrow :o) xx

AF already!

Well the pill has done its job again!  CD25 and af has turned up so hopefully will have my dr scan next Fri :o)  Injections are going well so far so hopefully things will continue that way! 

Here we go......Round 2

Well, after a very long wait, we start round 2 on Monday 4th July.  I have been on the pill for a few weeks and its been quite horrible with awful headaches but I cant wait to get started with the injections and begin the rollercoster that is IVF all over again....never thought I would be saying that!!  I'm just really glad to be starting this and to be able to move on with our lives after this, come what may.

Confused.com

Life is a rollercoaster......I have never felt this to be so true.  I feel so unbalanced and confused I just dont know what to think, say, do.  I have been off work for the past 7+ weeks after having a major operation on my knee and I think I have had far too much time on my own to think!  My head is a mess, it really is.  I just feel like I have lost all focus of who I am and where I am headed.  I feel lost.  My hormones are like scrambled eggs, a complete gooey mess.  I am not really a career person since I gave up my dream of working with dogs years ago as there were very few jobs out there that paid the bills.  Since then, I have just worked to earn money and nothing more.  It didnt matter though.  My goal in life was to become a mother and live happily ever after.  Now, I'm not so sure such a fairytale exists, other than in stories and movies.  Real life is different.  Its cruel and unforgiving.  It doesnt understand the pain a heart can feel when a dream is shattered.  It doesnt care how badly you want something or what you are prepared to do to get it.  If life doesnt want you to follow that path, it simply wont let you, no matter how hard you fight it. 
I know I have to change things.  I have to find a new strength within me to live the life I have been given.  There is no point in wasting it, I wont get it back.  Words are easy though, dont you think?  It is so easy to tell myself what I must do and that I can actually do it.  It is far harder to bring all that into real life.  Its like my brain has been de-programmed and I have forgotten what it is I am here for.  I have totally forgotten how to be happy.  All I ever feel is sad but often for no reason I can explain.  Its just a feeling I have gotten used to and dont know how to feel any different.  I dont really think this is about Tiggers Baby Journey anymore. 
Its Tiggers Life Journey....xx

Insecurities

The rollercoaster of IVF never stops.  Even when you arent going through treatment, the emotions are still immense.  We are starting again in June but already I can feel myself getting anxious about going through it all again.  I feel so insecure all the time, questioning everything.  I hate the way IVF takes over your life, your mind.  You never stop thinking and feeling everything that is IVF.  It just doesnt stop.  As terrified as I am, I almost cant wait for this to be over so that I can let go of IVF forever....like its that easy?!

The Up's & The Down's!

Well its been a while since my last post!  I started off this year with great hope and positivity.  The rough plan was to spend a few months getting fit and healthy and in best possible form for our next ivf cycle.  Unfortunately, that plan got totally wiped out in the 2nd week of Jan when my knee dislocated again.  I was on crutches for a few weeks due to the pain and eventually after weeks of pain and no improvement, I saw a knee specialist who sent me for an MRI on my knee.  This showed I had torn cartilage but no signs of recurrent dislocation.  It was agreed that I would have an arthroscopy to repair the cartilage and look to see if my knee was indeed dislocating with a view to do mpfl surgery if this was the case.  Of course, with my luck, this was the case and mpfl was done.  I am now 2 weeks post surgery and its been hell!  I am still in daily pain and cannot bend my knee more than a few degrees.  I have the supporting splint removed tomorrow but will be undergoing physio for a number of months and on crutches for I dont know how much longer. 

Obviously, this has all demolished my plans for getting fit and healthy...I'm at my worst state possible!  The lack of movement also stops our ivf plans for the time being as I cant move enough for tx and cant drive to the clinic every week either!  My emotions are somewhat all over the place really.  On one side, I'm pretty upset that we cant get on with tx and in turn on with our lives come what may.  Although, on the other hand, I'm relieved that I havent got to go through all that heartache again just yet.  The thought of those phone calls after ec is just so fear inducing, I dont know if I'm strong enough to cope with it all over again, esp if it goes the same way :o(

Life is a rollercoaster........so true!