Confused.com

Life is a rollercoaster......I have never felt this to be so true.  I feel so unbalanced and confused I just dont know what to think, say, do.  I have been off work for the past 7+ weeks after having a major operation on my knee and I think I have had far too much time on my own to think!  My head is a mess, it really is.  I just feel like I have lost all focus of who I am and where I am headed.  I feel lost.  My hormones are like scrambled eggs, a complete gooey mess.  I am not really a career person since I gave up my dream of working with dogs years ago as there were very few jobs out there that paid the bills.  Since then, I have just worked to earn money and nothing more.  It didnt matter though.  My goal in life was to become a mother and live happily ever after.  Now, I'm not so sure such a fairytale exists, other than in stories and movies.  Real life is different.  Its cruel and unforgiving.  It doesnt understand the pain a heart can feel when a dream is shattered.  It doesnt care how badly you want something or what you are prepared to do to get it.  If life doesnt want you to follow that path, it simply wont let you, no matter how hard you fight it. 
I know I have to change things.  I have to find a new strength within me to live the life I have been given.  There is no point in wasting it, I wont get it back.  Words are easy though, dont you think?  It is so easy to tell myself what I must do and that I can actually do it.  It is far harder to bring all that into real life.  Its like my brain has been de-programmed and I have forgotten what it is I am here for.  I have totally forgotten how to be happy.  All I ever feel is sad but often for no reason I can explain.  Its just a feeling I have gotten used to and dont know how to feel any different.  I dont really think this is about Tiggers Baby Journey anymore. 
Its Tiggers Life Journey....xx

Insecurities

The rollercoaster of IVF never stops.  Even when you arent going through treatment, the emotions are still immense.  We are starting again in June but already I can feel myself getting anxious about going through it all again.  I feel so insecure all the time, questioning everything.  I hate the way IVF takes over your life, your mind.  You never stop thinking and feeling everything that is IVF.  It just doesnt stop.  As terrified as I am, I almost cant wait for this to be over so that I can let go of IVF forever....like its that easy?!