It's been a while since I last posted on my blog and I really think its time I started offloading my feelings again. To say I'm a little emotional at the moment is probably rather an understatement. I'm all over the bloody place! I dont really know what to think or feel. My main emotion is of pure sadness with a little anger and frustration thrown in for good measure. Its breaking my heart seeing others happily pregnant or with babies. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having a family and living their lives, whilst it feels like we are stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward, just waiting for the next round of heartbreak. I really dont know when that will be as DH starts a new job in Jan which is a big change as he has been with his current company over 10 years. It is also quite a distance from where we live and the commute, although doable in the short term, is too expensive and tiring to do long term, which means we will have to move sometime next year, meaning new house and new job for me....not good when you are planning on getting pregnant, although that just sounds somewhat ridiculous tbh. The thought of me ever being pg sounds like some sort of sick joke, something that is just never going to happen and merely mentioning it sounds simply cruel. I'm a mess, pure and simple. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore. My heart aches but I am also absolutely terrified of putting myself through another round of IVF. The last 2 have gone far from well and I just dont know if I am strong enough to go through that pain again, both physically and emotionally. There is very little of me left now, if we have another disastrous IVF, I really dont know if I will be able to make it through to the other side.
So much has happened recently. My Gran died in Aug then my dad was rushed to hospital needing life saving surgery. We came so close to losing him I cant begin to explain. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Thankfully the operation was successful and he is slowly recovering, which is amazing, I couldnt bare to lose my dad. This year really has been one of the worst and it started off with a failed fet. I just think if we had treatment again early next year, it would only spark off another dreadful year....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it could also spark the start on an amazing year, true but given my past history of tx, its hardly likely is it.
I just hate feeling this way, so hurt and angry and thoroughly pissed off with the world. It hurts me so much that I can feel angry at my own family that they can have children and I cant. What kind of person does that make me? I love my nieces to the ends of the earth and back, I would do anything for them, I am down as their guardian should (absolute heaven forbid) anything happen to my sister and b-i-l. They are my world, so how can seeing them all as a family hurt me so much, I would rather not see them at all sometimes....its just wrong but I cant stop how I feel.
I see so many updates of friends/family sharing their happy news with the world on FB and all I want to do is shout and scream, "congratulations, now fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face".....now I know that is the last thing they are doing and I should be nothing but happy for them, but I cant and that in itself hurts like hell. I dont want to be that miserable cow in the corner that stays away from everyone because she cant handle others happiness. Thats not the life I want to live.
I want to be happy again. I want to be able to live each month in mindless bliss. To just switch off and not spend every waking moment thinking about the world of infertility, ivf and everything that surrounds it, needles, drugs, scans and terrifying phone calls. Oh yes, lets not forget those evil little capsules of loveliness that are vaginal suppositories! The IVF world really is full of excitement and wonder you know! You stupidly fertile people dont know what you are missing out on.....why wouldnt you want to stab yourself with a needle several times a day for weeks on end, travel to the fertility clinic most days only to lie on a bed with you legs spread wide and have a long probe pushed inside you and proded around looking for those pesky ovaries that will no doubt be hiding just to make it that bit more uncomfortable. Why wouldnt you want to have even more needles stuck in you for blood tests to see what your stupid hormones are doing. To get to egg collection day, only to come round from the sedation, assuming you are lucky enough to attend a clinic that does actually sedate you...otherwise you get to be wide awake as they once again, spread your legs, this time in stirrups (oh yes, nothing but glamour for IVF ladies), they then stick a needle, yes NEEDLE!, through your ovary and into the follicles to hopefully retrieve an egg...or hopefully several eggs...if you are lucky! Then it is an agonising wait as they take the eggs into the lab to meet the sperm, romantic isnt it!? Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that this torture isnt restricted to us ladies, our wonderful men have to go through a little red faced fun too....they get to trot off into a little room, with a few dirty mags or even a dirty tv channel or 2 if you go somewhere posh, nothing but the best in IVF! Here, they get to do their thing into a little pot, not missing a drop as every little counts! See, IVF really is THAT glamorous! It doesnt get any better after that. If you are lucky enough to end up with something of use to actually put back, once again you get to spread your legs in a room full of people, this time DH included (yep, you get to endure this indignity in front of your DH!) as they prod and poke you again as they put back what you lovingly call your little embie.....whilst praying you dont pee on the poor sod doing the transfer as you have to have a full bladder, not exaclty easy when they are pushing down on said bladder as they scan your stomach to see where they are poking...the joys of IVF eh?! I'm sure you fertile people are just gutted you too dont have this kind of fun making a baby. Nah, you get to get pissed, have a quickie in the back of the car and hey presto, 2 lines appear. Or of course, for those in loving relationships, have a cheeky glass of wine, put on the romantic tunes and have a night of passionate love making...same result though, 2 lines. Us in the infertile world can only dream of such miracles...but I wouldnt say I'm bitter, no not at all....more like thoroughly PISSED OFF with the world and the complete lack of understand it is able to give us.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannndd breathe.....
