Feeling Positively Shite

You know what?......No, neither do I :o(  Had a big argument with dh tonight, hence whilst I'm still wide awake and posting on here at daft o'clock (1.17am).  I dont know why we even go there because every time we even start talking about infertility and its impact, we just end up having a massive argument because we have such different ways of dealing with it.  I get very upset and emotional about it all, which tbh, I think is perfectly normal and rather much to be expected but dh seems to think I am some derranged woman who has completely lost the plot and requires urgent psychiatric intervention!  Everything in life to him is pure black and white.  To him, we either have a baby or we dont.  Either way all will be hunky dory and we will carry on happy as larry.  We actually, NO WE FUCKING WONT!  Life wont be that simple for me.  If our upcoming fet fails, life will be positively shite for a while.  I'm pretty sure eventually, although fuck knows when, I will feel again, feel what, I dont know, but I'm sure I will at least feel something.  The mere thought of the reaching the end of the journey is positively heartbreaking, let alone actually getting there and having no baby with us.  Facing a life without children really does smash my heart to pieces but I am acutely aware that it is a great posibility.  However, dh barely shows any signs of caring.  I know deep down that he does but he never shows it, he puts up these big steel walls that not even I can get through.  I honestly have no idea what is going on on the inside, but from the outside it looks like he would just wake up the next day, say "oh well, that was that" and off to work he would go as if nothing had every happened and life would carry on.  Although, tbh he has such a 'life goes on' attitude, I think he would do that even if I were to drop dead so I guess I shouldnt look into that too much, should I?!? 

I just honestly dont know what to do.  It is all hard enough, this ivf lark.  I really cant cope with having to hide my emotions because dh thinks I'm nuts if I show how I really feel.  Its like, when I get all wound up or upset over yet another friend from school delightedly announcing their pregnancy on FB.  Dont get me wrong, I'm happy for them.  I wouldnt wish infertility on anyone but it doesnt stop the crushing pain in my heart every time I see another announcement.  Like the other day when I saw my b-i-l's sister announcing her 4th pregnancy when she already palms her eldest off on his granny at every given opportunity.  Shes only doing it because she wants a girl!  3 boys isnt enough, she wants a girl and wont stop churning them out until she has one.....greedy cow!  Some people just have no idea how bloody lucky they are.  I guess thats the one good thing about going through infertility - if you come out the other side with a baby that is - you would never ever take for granted the precious gift you had been given.

Anyways, I guess I really should go to bed (spare room, yep it really is that bad) and figure out how to sleep.  Although I doubt it will happen....I have a stinking cold and endo pain thanks to the evil witch so theres probably little point in me even bothering.  Think I might put the kettle on instead....anyone want one?

Happy New Year...

...I guess.  Needless to say, I'm not feeling the new year vibe this year. Don't really know why, just don't feel excited about the year ahead. I think I'm just so fed up of approaching every year with hopes + dreams, only for it to end as empty and painful as it started :-(  this year I have decided to hope for nothing, that way, I figure I can't be disappointed at the end of it...or at least that's my theory! We will see what I'm putting in here in 12 months time!

Happy New Year everyone xx

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