Feeling blue

Don't know what's wrong with me at the min. Constantly feeling really low + feel like I've have forgotten how to smile. Everything seems like it's rubbing my face in it, everywhere I look, every page I turn, there seems to be a new announcement, another birth, someone else sharing their happy news + it furiates me that something so wonderful can make me feel so bad. I wish I could stop feeling like this, I just don't know how + right now, it's tearing me apart :-(

Emotional

It's been a while since I last posted on my blog and I really think its time I started offloading my feelings again. To say I'm a little emotional at the moment is probably rather an understatement. I'm all over the bloody place! I dont really know what to think or feel. My main emotion is of pure sadness with a little anger and frustration thrown in for good measure. Its breaking my heart seeing others happily pregnant or with babies. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having a family and living their lives, whilst it feels like we are stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward, just waiting for the next round of heartbreak. I really dont know when that will be as DH starts a new job in Jan which is a big change as he has been with his current company over 10 years. It is also quite a distance from where we live and the commute, although doable in the short term, is too expensive and tiring to do long term, which means we will have to move sometime next year, meaning new house and new job for me....not good when you are planning on getting pregnant, although that just sounds somewhat ridiculous tbh. The thought of me ever being pg sounds like some sort of sick joke, something that is just never going to happen and merely mentioning it sounds simply cruel. I'm a mess, pure and simple. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore. My heart aches but I am also absolutely terrified of putting myself through another round of IVF. The last 2 have gone far from well and I just dont know if I am strong enough to go through that pain again, both physically and emotionally. There is very little of me left now, if we have another disastrous IVF, I really dont know if I will be able to make it through to the other side.

So much has happened recently. My Gran died in Aug then my dad was rushed to hospital needing life saving surgery. We came so close to losing him I cant begin to explain. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Thankfully the operation was successful and he is slowly recovering, which is amazing, I couldnt bare to lose my dad. This year really has been one of the worst and it started off with a failed fet. I just think if we had treatment again early next year, it would only spark off another dreadful year....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it could also spark the start on an amazing year, true but given my past history of tx, its hardly likely is it.

I just hate feeling this way, so hurt and angry and thoroughly pissed off with the world. It hurts me so much that I can feel angry at my own family that they can have children and I cant. What kind of person does that make me? I love my nieces to the ends of the earth and back, I would do anything for them, I am down as their guardian should (absolute heaven forbid) anything happen to my sister and b-i-l. They are my world, so how can seeing them all as a family hurt me so much, I would rather not see them at all sometimes....its just wrong but I cant stop how I feel.

I see so many updates of friends/family sharing their happy news with the world on FB and all I want to do is shout and scream, "congratulations, now fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face".....now I know that is the last thing they are doing and I should be nothing but happy for them, but I cant and that in itself hurts like hell. I dont want to be that miserable cow in the corner that stays away from everyone because she cant handle others happiness. Thats not the life I want to live.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to live each month in mindless bliss. To just switch off and not spend every waking moment thinking about the world of infertility, ivf and everything that surrounds it, needles, drugs, scans and terrifying phone calls. Oh yes, lets not forget those evil little capsules of loveliness that are vaginal suppositories! The IVF world really is full of excitement and wonder you know! You stupidly fertile people dont know what you are missing out on.....why wouldnt you want to stab yourself with a needle several times a day for weeks on end, travel to the fertility clinic most days only to lie on a bed with you legs spread wide and have a long probe pushed inside you and proded around looking for those pesky ovaries that will no doubt be hiding just to make it that bit more uncomfortable. Why wouldnt you want to have even more needles stuck in you for blood tests to see what your stupid hormones are doing. To get to egg collection day, only to come round from the sedation, assuming you are lucky enough to attend a clinic that does actually sedate you...otherwise you get to be wide awake as they once again, spread your legs, this time in stirrups (oh yes, nothing but glamour for IVF ladies), they then stick a needle, yes NEEDLE!, through your ovary and into the follicles to hopefully retrieve an egg...or hopefully several eggs...if you are lucky! Then it is an agonising wait as they take the eggs into the lab to meet the sperm, romantic isnt it!? Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that this torture isnt restricted to us ladies, our wonderful men have to go through a little red faced fun too....they get to trot off into a little room, with a few dirty mags or even a dirty tv channel or 2 if you go somewhere posh, nothing but the best in IVF! Here, they get to do their thing into a little pot, not missing a drop as every little counts! See, IVF really is THAT glamorous! It doesnt get any better after that. If you are lucky enough to end up with something of use to actually put back, once again you get to spread your legs in a room full of people, this time DH included (yep, you get to endure this indignity in front of your DH!) as they prod and poke you again as they put back what you lovingly call your little embie.....whilst praying you dont pee on the poor sod doing the transfer as you have to have a full bladder, not exaclty easy when they are pushing down on said bladder as they scan your stomach to see where they are poking...the joys of IVF eh?! I'm sure you fertile people are just gutted you too dont have this kind of fun making a baby. Nah, you get to get pissed, have a quickie in the back of the car and hey presto, 2 lines appear. Or of course, for those in loving relationships, have a cheeky glass of wine, put on the romantic tunes and have a night of passionate love making...same result though, 2 lines. Us in the infertile world can only dream of such miracles...but I wouldnt say I'm bitter, no not at all....more like thoroughly PISSED OFF with the world and the complete lack of understand it is able to give us.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannndd breathe.....

incredibly confused

I really don't know what to think or feel. One minute I'm all for trying again and going through one last ivf cycle but then i suddenly feel far too scared and would rather walk on hot coals than go through it all again. I know in many ways it is probably just fear that is making me doubt it all but i have such a strong feeling that it is never going to work, so why bother? It seems an incredibly large amount of money to spend on something that you feel is never going to work + i know that those thoughts alone are enough to stop it working anyway!? The tests results came back as expected, normal, whatever the hell that is? They don't give you anymore detail than that so I've no idea what our level of said normal is? I know it's good news that nothing is wrong but at the same time we are still left with no answers as to why the fcuk we can't get pregnant, let alone have any chance of a healthy pregnancy + baby. It is all just so hard to accept. We are a happily married couple who love each other very much, we have a good home, stable income + could offer all the love any child needs, so why us? Why are we the ones who have to struggle, go through this hell only to be heartbroken at the end once again. I know it's cliche + selfish but i can't help but ask WHY? I feel so lost + confused, my life plan was mapped out, i was happy, now it's all going wrong + i don't know who i am or who i am supposed to be anymore? I just want that happy ending everyone dreams of, why is that too much to ask for?

And so it begins...

...the final chapter of our baby journey.  We have finally decided to give it one last try.  Tomorrow we are booked in for the chromosome/Karyotype bloods and dh has the pleasure of doing a sperm sample for the DNA fragmentation test.  I'm really not sure if I'm hoping they will show something up or not....if it shows something that we can treat, then all is good but if it shows something that isnt treatable, then thats it, game over, end of journey, no baby.  The thought of either scares me somewhat!  I really hope we just get some answers one way or another.  I cant wait to get the test results back and get on with our 1st and last funded cycle.  We made the decision to do this cycle as my wonderful mother-in-law offered to pay for it for us.  It was a gift far too good to refuse.  I think we need to have a clear line in the sand though before we commence this as we dont want to lose the next 10 years of our lives to IVF.  As much as we want a baby, we also know how precious life is and will not surrender it to the constant pressures and heartache of IVF.  I feel like I've said this a thousand times before but come what may, this is the end of our baby journey.  I am absolutely terrified of going through this cycle but feel we have to do it to be able to trust that whatever the result we have given everything we can to our journey and can look back with no regrets if it just isnt meant to be.

Bring on the needles!

Goodbye Gran

My darling Gran passed away on Sunday 12th August.  It may sound strange but I am honoured to say it was my husband and I that were by her side when she peacfully slipped away.  I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere else than with her.  It had been a very traumatic week for the whole family after she was rushed to hospital with immense stomach pains.  We were taken on the most horrific rollercoaster I have ever experienced and never want to experience again.  My family are incredibly close and no-one wanted my Gran to be left alone in hospital.  We all adored her so much.  We set up a rotation between us all to ensure one of us was with her 24/7 and she was never alone.  After many differernt opinions, the doctors finally confirmed that she had a serious blood clot to her bowel which was effectively killing it off. My Gran was 84 and wasnt strong enough for an operation.  After too many heartbreaking nights with my Gran begging us all to help her and stop her pain, the doctors finally admitted that there was nothing they could do for my Gran and it was time to put her on the Liverpool Care (end of life) Plan which would manage her pain and ease any other symptoms.  Everyone she loved and cared about had been to visit her, even all her great-grandchildren which I know she  was thankful for and really enjoyed.  She felt at peace and ready to go.  Within an hour of starting her on the plan, her pain was gone and she went into a restful deep sleep.  When my husband and I took over from my mum & dad at 5am Sunday morning, there was no change, she was still sleeping peacfully.  At 8.15am her breathing was slowing...she was slipping away.  I immediately rang all the family who rushed to be by her side but I knew they werent going to make it.  Within minutes, she was gone.  I held her hand throughout and told her how much we all loved her and that we would miss her incredibly but it was time for her to rest now.  Gran's funeral is on Tuesday 28th Aug and it will be the hardest day of my life but I know she is safe and happy now.  No more worries, no more pain, just freedom and happiness, back with my grandad where she belongs.

Gran,
I will miss you always, love you forever
xxxxxxxxxx

Not to be :o(

Its taken me a while to be able to come back here.  The results where unsurprisingly negative.  I was still kinda in shock I guess as I felt so sure that I was pregnant.  Even after the 2nd bfn, I almost couldnt believe it was true.  AF was still completely awol and I felt the same, even after stopping the meds but eventually the evil one turned up and reality finally sunk in...it had failed, I really wasnt having a baby.  The hurt and pain kicked in big time and I was absolutely gutted, I just felt numb and sad, still do in many ways.  I'm trying to accept that this part of our lives is over and it is time for plan b and moving on with our lives, albeit in a direction different to that we would have preferred.  We have our review 1st May which we will go to with an open mind, but I am pretty sure they will tell me what I already know, my eggs are no good :o(  not a nice thing to hear at 28.  It still really hurts and I often feel sad and upset that our future may never have our own family in it but we are trying to move on and live our lives the way we always said we would if a baby never came our way.  We have also decided to bring our plans to move to Cornwall forward quite dramatically.  We aim to move in the next 5 years as opposed to when we retired!!  Life is just too short to wait until you are old!!

I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.

Love to all xxxx

To be or not to be....

I guess that is the question right now.

So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer!  With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together.  With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests!  I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD).  As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head.  I knew they were going to be negative :o(  3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'.  A silent tear rolled  down my cheek.  I just couldnt believe it.  I was shocked and stunned.  I honestly thought I was pregnant.  Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o(  With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result. 
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept.  It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb.  As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result.  I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o(  As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*.  Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule.  It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o(  DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him.  I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts.  Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.

Too scared for words

Tomorrow is otd + I'm absolutely petrified. The thought of testing fills me with utter dread. I can't think about anything else, my head is a mess! I honestly have no idea what it will be, bfn or bfp. I could quite easily convince myself either way. On my positive days, its like how can o not be? Its obvious with my symptoms. On my negative days, its like, how can I possibly be? Its impossible. This whole process is just so incredibly hard + the 2ww is pure torture.
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/

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The Incredible Journey...

...loved that film!

Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF.  6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww.  The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear.  The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch.  To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement.  With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world.  To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!!  I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing.  Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing.  Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all.  You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you.  We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing.  Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days!  Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart.  I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result.  I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!!  Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative.  The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also.  Its 50/50 isnt it.  Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome.  Its all down to nature now.  All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.

Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx

Loving this feeling!

3dpt and so far so good.  I've been very well behaved and resting loads!  I obviously dont know if we will get our BFP or not but right now I'm just really enjoying having my little embie on board :o)  Its crazy really but I really do feel connected to her, shes my baby already.  Apparently, I'm 2 weeks 6 days pregnant!!!!  It may not official but technically this is where I am and it feels amazing!  The pic of our beautiful embie is on the fridge door and I talk to her all the time, telling her to grow and develop into my beautiful strong baby :o)  I just feel sure she will be ok (I say she because I dont like 'it' but a boy will be just as wonderful!) Love you little one xxxx

I'm PUPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!  What a rollercoaster few days.  Our frosties came out on Wednesday 7th March and that afternoon we were met with the shock news that only 2 of them had survived the thaw :o(  This was absolutely gutting news, I thought it was all over.  How could these lone 2 survive to day 3 when 4 had already perished at thaw?  I was devastated.  Little did I know that our little 2 embies were real survivors!  The next morning, I got the dreaded phone call, only to be suprised with the news that our little ones had survived the night and were now 3 cells each :o)  My god, I was happy!  We were to have transfer the next day at 9.30am but were to get another scary phone call at 8am to confirm they had continued to develop overnight.  The phone call came with the lovely news that they were both still ok.  Only 4 cells but this was still growth....transfer was going ahead!!!  Never had we got this far before, I couldnt believe it!  By the time we got there, our strongest little embie had fought on to gain another cell, now a beautiful 5 cell, grade 2 :o)  The transfer itself wasnt pleasant.  I was desperate for a wee and thanks to endo, I think, was fairly painful.  We got there in the end though and our lovely little embie is now safely back where it belongs, in its mummy, snuggling down for the long haul :o)  I'm extremely happy but very nervous of the next couple of weeks!  OTD is 24th March, bring it on!!!

Scary, scary, scary!

Tomorrow is D-Day. The day our 6 little frosties come out to play. Scared doesn't even come close! As confident + positive as I'm feeling, its still utterly terrifying!! The next 3 days are going to be incredibly nerve wrecking! I just keep telling myself by the weekend, we will know where we stand + how the game is going to go! Fingers, toes + all the bits inbetween firmly crossed please :-) xxxxx

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PMA all the way!!!

Not sure if it will last but I havent felt this positive towards a cycle before.  My PMA is sky high at the min, which is great, I just hope I'm not building myself up for the biggest of falls....although thats the thing, I honestly dont think I am!?  I dont know what it is but this time it just feels so right, like this really is OUR time :o)  I dont have those nagging doubts or worries about 'those phone calls' coming.  I believe with all my heart that everything will go well this time and in just a few weeks I WILL be pregnant......a truly amazing feeling, I just hope I'm right and not kidding myself on some seriously deep level.

The problem is, now that I feel this sure, I'm getting really impatient! I just want to get on with it and BE PREGNANT!!!  Not long to wait though really, scan is this Fri to check lining and plan the 'big thaw'!  This time next week we should be well on our way to ET....WHOOP WHOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously scared

Been for my DR scan this morning + it's getting all real again now. The Dr stage is just about the injections, theres no real involvement for dh or with care but the next stage is all about scans, consents + embies. This is the part when it has all gone wrong before which is why I'm so scared! This is our last chance. If this fails, its all over, which only makes it even more terrifying. One step at a time...if only my mind would listen to that!

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Mixed Emotions...

... My sister has had her baby tonight! I'm now an auntie to 2 beautiful nieces :-)  I'm thrilled to bits + will love this little bundle just as much as my little princess. The problem is, I cried for an hour after I got the call. I know some tears were happy ones but many were for the lonliness + heartbreak of it not being our baby. I honestly did think the next birth announcement would be ours :-( DO NOT get me wrong, I'm delighted for my sister + her family + its great to have another niece, I just feel so sad that I'm still childless.  I guess it doesn't help that I'm going through fet right now... Theres a new baby in the family + behind all that, I'm secretly injecting myself in order to have just a chance at having the same :'(

I've never felt such intense joy + heartbreak together. Its a very strange + difficult feeling to experience...I don't think I like it.

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Here we go again....

Its time to ride the rollercoaster again.  In in a bid to save what is left of my sanity, we have decided to go for our FET.  I just need to know which way my life is headed now.  One way or another, we really need an outcome so we can move on in which ever direction our life heads.  Its exciting, absolutely terrifying and utterly bonkers but I cant wait for the end result, one way or another.  Worryingly, I'm almost looking forward to the end of it all more than the result itself?!  Probably because I cant really allow myself to think of the result right now.  Either way, its going to be incredibly hard.  If were successful, theres all the seriously scary times that come with that and if it fails, there is the heartbreak and realisation to deal with also.  So for now, I'm just focusing on the fact that we should have a definitive result one way or another.  I think if it fails as it did last time then there is very little doubt that my eggs are shot and thats the end of our journey (donor eggs just arent for me).  If we get an embie to put back then that may give a glimmer of hope for another IVF in time when we have the strength and cash to pay for it (if we decide to go down this road as it is something I have adamently said will never happen!).  Then, being positive, if it works, all is good and we have a whole new rollercoaster to ride :o)

Anyways, thats all weeks away yet.  I'm only on day 4 of dr injections.  They are being done but I cant say they are going well as each one has been horrible so far.  I've no idea why, but I find myself getting anxious before each one this time, which I'm sure wont be helping them go smoothly!  I seem to be worse this time than any of the others, which is a bit bizarre as its never bothered me before!?

I'm sure it wont be long before they are all over and its time for those wonderful pessaries us ivf girls love so much!!!

Be happy everyone xxxx

Feeling Positively Shite

You know what?......No, neither do I :o(  Had a big argument with dh tonight, hence whilst I'm still wide awake and posting on here at daft o'clock (1.17am).  I dont know why we even go there because every time we even start talking about infertility and its impact, we just end up having a massive argument because we have such different ways of dealing with it.  I get very upset and emotional about it all, which tbh, I think is perfectly normal and rather much to be expected but dh seems to think I am some derranged woman who has completely lost the plot and requires urgent psychiatric intervention!  Everything in life to him is pure black and white.  To him, we either have a baby or we dont.  Either way all will be hunky dory and we will carry on happy as larry.  We actually, NO WE FUCKING WONT!  Life wont be that simple for me.  If our upcoming fet fails, life will be positively shite for a while.  I'm pretty sure eventually, although fuck knows when, I will feel again, feel what, I dont know, but I'm sure I will at least feel something.  The mere thought of the reaching the end of the journey is positively heartbreaking, let alone actually getting there and having no baby with us.  Facing a life without children really does smash my heart to pieces but I am acutely aware that it is a great posibility.  However, dh barely shows any signs of caring.  I know deep down that he does but he never shows it, he puts up these big steel walls that not even I can get through.  I honestly have no idea what is going on on the inside, but from the outside it looks like he would just wake up the next day, say "oh well, that was that" and off to work he would go as if nothing had every happened and life would carry on.  Although, tbh he has such a 'life goes on' attitude, I think he would do that even if I were to drop dead so I guess I shouldnt look into that too much, should I?!? 

I just honestly dont know what to do.  It is all hard enough, this ivf lark.  I really cant cope with having to hide my emotions because dh thinks I'm nuts if I show how I really feel.  Its like, when I get all wound up or upset over yet another friend from school delightedly announcing their pregnancy on FB.  Dont get me wrong, I'm happy for them.  I wouldnt wish infertility on anyone but it doesnt stop the crushing pain in my heart every time I see another announcement.  Like the other day when I saw my b-i-l's sister announcing her 4th pregnancy when she already palms her eldest off on his granny at every given opportunity.  Shes only doing it because she wants a girl!  3 boys isnt enough, she wants a girl and wont stop churning them out until she has one.....greedy cow!  Some people just have no idea how bloody lucky they are.  I guess thats the one good thing about going through infertility - if you come out the other side with a baby that is - you would never ever take for granted the precious gift you had been given.

Anyways, I guess I really should go to bed (spare room, yep it really is that bad) and figure out how to sleep.  Although I doubt it will happen....I have a stinking cold and endo pain thanks to the evil witch so theres probably little point in me even bothering.  Think I might put the kettle on instead....anyone want one?

Happy New Year...

...I guess.  Needless to say, I'm not feeling the new year vibe this year. Don't really know why, just don't feel excited about the year ahead. I think I'm just so fed up of approaching every year with hopes + dreams, only for it to end as empty and painful as it started :-(  this year I have decided to hope for nothing, that way, I figure I can't be disappointed at the end of it...or at least that's my theory! We will see what I'm putting in here in 12 months time!

Happy New Year everyone xx

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