...loved that film!
Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF. 6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww. The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear. The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch. To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement. With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world. To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!! I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing. Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing. Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all. You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you. We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing. Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days! Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart. I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result. I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!! Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative. The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also. Its 50/50 isnt it. Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome. Its all down to nature now. All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.
Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx
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