stop the clock

If only we could...stop the clock that is. Time is ticking by far too quickly, both physically + emotionally. Everytime I logon here to post, it's been months yet only feels like a matter of weeks. I'm also terrifyingly aware that my body clock is ticking away at an alarming rate. I'm 33 now and whilst that isn't exactly old, it is when you're talking fertility and ivf and even more so when you add endometriosis into the mix 😔 I always wanted to be a young mum, now I face the very real possibility, I may never be a mum at all.

I'd like to say that I'm ok with that, but it would be bullshit! Whilst the thought no longer has me crying uncontrollably, it still hurts like hell. It doesn't help that there are currently 3 pregnancies in our family. I don't wish to take such joy away from anyone, it just hurts that it has never been and may never be me. We may never get to make that exciting announcement that we're expecting, or post proud, sickeningly happy pictures of our newborn baby. To feel that pure love + adoration that being a parent brings.
Yeah ok, so I'm not exactly over it, having graciously accepted my lot but hey, I'm trying!

Time....wtf does it go?!

I was almost certain I had only posted my last blog a few weeks ago...how the hell it was back in October I've no idea!

Anyways, onto the real reason for this post....

I'm fecked off, simple as that! I'm sure anyone that has ever experienced the shitness that is infertility will understand this one. I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being the one who has to make other people feel better for MY infertility! Errr, hello, it's me that's fucking going through this shitness. Me that's suffered the ongoing heartache, month after month after month, yet somehow, I'M the one that has to comfort others so that they don't feel bad when they stick their, seriously ignorant, size fucking 15's, right into my heart. When stupid people ask stupid, thoughtless questions, like, "don't you want any children?", I'M the one who has to make shit up so that they don't feel bad for their ignorance, when all I want to do is scream and shout about how fucking stupid and ignorant they are, how they need to actually engage brain before they open their mouths. Surely it is those people that need to expand their mindset to consider other people and understand that not everyone's lives work out as the pathetic fairytales lead us to believe is how real life works. Infertility is what is real, it's prevalent in so many people's everyday lives, yet there is still so much ignorance and stigma surrounding this soul destroying heartbreak. It's utterly ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off with having to be the one to make other people feel better, for THEIR OWN ignorance!

And breathe...

Pain

That's what had brought me back to my blog. Horrendous amounts of pain. I've been lucky, for the past few years, I haven't experienced pain to the levels I had previously grown used to. Only now it's back and as agonizing as ever and I have absolutely no idea of how to cope with it.

I'm talking about endometriosis. It seems that my relatively pain free days are well and truly over and, practically overnight, I am back to constant, unbearable pain. The type that only my endo sisters will fully understand, the type that can have you on your knees in seconds, as the searing pain rips through you like a knife. That's before the red hot poker kicks in too. My oh my that fecker is evil. Unrelenting pain like nothing you've ever experienced before.

So, I'm now back to living on pain killers, glued to anything hot, in my case, a heated wheat bag in the shape of gromit! I'm hoping to see a specialist consultant soon but have to get Bupa to approved him first....just another battle!

I have a feeling I'll be back again soon...tiggers baby journey has taken an unscheduled detour....

It's been a while.....again

It seems I didn't do so well in starting up my blog posts again! Time seems to just dispose. We've since moved to Warwickshire and I've started a new job. Nothing has changed in our journey for a baby, despite my ridiculous hopes and dreams each month :-( maybe one day......

Tough Times

I really don't want to post this as I'm not a fan of self pittying posts but life is tough right now, it really is. I know I have a lot to actually be grateful for, I have enough money to pay the bills + food on the table, a great husband + reasonably good health given I have endo.The problem is this.....my husband was due to be made redundant this year which would have resulted in very little payout, enough to cover maybe a months wages, not much more, so he accepted a new job...a great opportunity, more money, only it is 75 miles away. we decided he should take the job as there is very little opportunity for his level of job where we live + any job is better than no job + we weren't adversed to relocating. now, he has been diong the new job since Jan,.commuting every day, resulting in over 150 miles every day + over 3 hours travelling due to shocking traffic. 4 months ago we decided to sell the house + relocate, a mammoth task in itself as I would have to find a new job + we would be moving away from family who only live a couple of miles away currently. only, this plan hasn't worked out all that well as we have had very little interest in the house, never mind any offers. my house is lovely + I really can't understand it, other than someone, somewhere really doesn't want us to move!?! my hubby is now staying in a hotel 2 nights a week to try and relieve the pressure, millage + travel,now I miss him so much. I know it sounds crazy, its only 2 nights but I hate it, I really hate it. we haven't spent more than a week apart in 13 years before now + all of a sudden he is away 2 nights every week  :'( I just don't know what to do, the option of him finding another job is impossible as here just aren't any where we currently live, we can't rent the house as the mortgage is too high so we have to sell but there's no buyers out there so until then, is a horrible lonely existenceg for us both  :'( not forgetting of course, we are still dreaming of having a family + the thoughts of our final throw of the ivf dice! Many have life much tougher than me, I am very aware of that + try not to let it get the better of me too much but sometimes, like tonight, when I'm alone, all I can do is cry....