And so it begins...

...the final chapter of our baby journey.  We have finally decided to give it one last try.  Tomorrow we are booked in for the chromosome/Karyotype bloods and dh has the pleasure of doing a sperm sample for the DNA fragmentation test.  I'm really not sure if I'm hoping they will show something up or not....if it shows something that we can treat, then all is good but if it shows something that isnt treatable, then thats it, game over, end of journey, no baby.  The thought of either scares me somewhat!  I really hope we just get some answers one way or another.  I cant wait to get the test results back and get on with our 1st and last funded cycle.  We made the decision to do this cycle as my wonderful mother-in-law offered to pay for it for us.  It was a gift far too good to refuse.  I think we need to have a clear line in the sand though before we commence this as we dont want to lose the next 10 years of our lives to IVF.  As much as we want a baby, we also know how precious life is and will not surrender it to the constant pressures and heartache of IVF.  I feel like I've said this a thousand times before but come what may, this is the end of our baby journey.  I am absolutely terrified of going through this cycle but feel we have to do it to be able to trust that whatever the result we have given everything we can to our journey and can look back with no regrets if it just isnt meant to be.

Bring on the needles!

Goodbye Gran

My darling Gran passed away on Sunday 12th August.  It may sound strange but I am honoured to say it was my husband and I that were by her side when she peacfully slipped away.  I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere else than with her.  It had been a very traumatic week for the whole family after she was rushed to hospital with immense stomach pains.  We were taken on the most horrific rollercoaster I have ever experienced and never want to experience again.  My family are incredibly close and no-one wanted my Gran to be left alone in hospital.  We all adored her so much.  We set up a rotation between us all to ensure one of us was with her 24/7 and she was never alone.  After many differernt opinions, the doctors finally confirmed that she had a serious blood clot to her bowel which was effectively killing it off. My Gran was 84 and wasnt strong enough for an operation.  After too many heartbreaking nights with my Gran begging us all to help her and stop her pain, the doctors finally admitted that there was nothing they could do for my Gran and it was time to put her on the Liverpool Care (end of life) Plan which would manage her pain and ease any other symptoms.  Everyone she loved and cared about had been to visit her, even all her great-grandchildren which I know she  was thankful for and really enjoyed.  She felt at peace and ready to go.  Within an hour of starting her on the plan, her pain was gone and she went into a restful deep sleep.  When my husband and I took over from my mum & dad at 5am Sunday morning, there was no change, she was still sleeping peacfully.  At 8.15am her breathing was slowing...she was slipping away.  I immediately rang all the family who rushed to be by her side but I knew they werent going to make it.  Within minutes, she was gone.  I held her hand throughout and told her how much we all loved her and that we would miss her incredibly but it was time for her to rest now.  Gran's funeral is on Tuesday 28th Aug and it will be the hardest day of my life but I know she is safe and happy now.  No more worries, no more pain, just freedom and happiness, back with my grandad where she belongs.

Gran,
I will miss you always, love you forever
xxxxxxxxxx

Not to be :o(

Its taken me a while to be able to come back here.  The results where unsurprisingly negative.  I was still kinda in shock I guess as I felt so sure that I was pregnant.  Even after the 2nd bfn, I almost couldnt believe it was true.  AF was still completely awol and I felt the same, even after stopping the meds but eventually the evil one turned up and reality finally sunk in...it had failed, I really wasnt having a baby.  The hurt and pain kicked in big time and I was absolutely gutted, I just felt numb and sad, still do in many ways.  I'm trying to accept that this part of our lives is over and it is time for plan b and moving on with our lives, albeit in a direction different to that we would have preferred.  We have our review 1st May which we will go to with an open mind, but I am pretty sure they will tell me what I already know, my eggs are no good :o(  not a nice thing to hear at 28.  It still really hurts and I often feel sad and upset that our future may never have our own family in it but we are trying to move on and live our lives the way we always said we would if a baby never came our way.  We have also decided to bring our plans to move to Cornwall forward quite dramatically.  We aim to move in the next 5 years as opposed to when we retired!!  Life is just too short to wait until you are old!!

I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.

Love to all xxxx

To be or not to be....

I guess that is the question right now.

So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer!  With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together.  With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests!  I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD).  As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head.  I knew they were going to be negative :o(  3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'.  A silent tear rolled  down my cheek.  I just couldnt believe it.  I was shocked and stunned.  I honestly thought I was pregnant.  Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o(  With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result. 
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept.  It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb.  As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result.  I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o(  As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*.  Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule.  It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o(  DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him.  I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts.  Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.

Too scared for words

Tomorrow is otd + I'm absolutely petrified. The thought of testing fills me with utter dread. I can't think about anything else, my head is a mess! I honestly have no idea what it will be, bfn or bfp. I could quite easily convince myself either way. On my positive days, its like how can o not be? Its obvious with my symptoms. On my negative days, its like, how can I possibly be? Its impossible. This whole process is just so incredibly hard + the 2ww is pure torture.
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/

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