My darling Gran passed away on Sunday 12th August. It may sound strange but I am honoured to say it was my husband and I that were by her side when she peacfully slipped away. I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere else than with her. It had been a very traumatic week for the whole family after she was rushed to hospital with immense stomach pains. We were taken on the most horrific rollercoaster I have ever experienced and never want to experience again. My family are incredibly close and no-one wanted my Gran to be left alone in hospital. We all adored her so much. We set up a rotation between us all to ensure one of us was with her 24/7 and she was never alone. After many differernt opinions, the doctors finally confirmed that she had a serious blood clot to her bowel which was effectively killing it off. My Gran was 84 and wasnt strong enough for an operation. After too many heartbreaking nights with my Gran begging us all to help her and stop her pain, the doctors finally admitted that there was nothing they could do for my Gran and it was time to put her on the Liverpool Care (end of life) Plan which would manage her pain and ease any other symptoms. Everyone she loved and cared about had been to visit her, even all her great-grandchildren which I know she was thankful for and really enjoyed. She felt at peace and ready to go. Within an hour of starting her on the plan, her pain was gone and she went into a restful deep sleep. When my husband and I took over from my mum & dad at 5am Sunday morning, there was no change, she was still sleeping peacfully. At 8.15am her breathing was slowing...she was slipping away. I immediately rang all the family who rushed to be by her side but I knew they werent going to make it. Within minutes, she was gone. I held her hand throughout and told her how much we all loved her and that we would miss her incredibly but it was time for her to rest now. Gran's funeral is on Tuesday 28th Aug and it will be the hardest day of my life but I know she is safe and happy now. No more worries, no more pain, just freedom and happiness, back with my grandad where she belongs.
Gran,
I will miss you always, love you forever
xxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Monday, 9 April 2012
Not to be :o(
Its taken me a while to be able to come back here. The results where unsurprisingly negative. I was still kinda in shock I guess as I felt so sure that I was pregnant. Even after the 2nd bfn, I almost couldnt believe it was true. AF was still completely awol and I felt the same, even after stopping the meds but eventually the evil one turned up and reality finally sunk in...it had failed, I really wasnt having a baby. The hurt and pain kicked in big time and I was absolutely gutted, I just felt numb and sad, still do in many ways. I'm trying to accept that this part of our lives is over and it is time for plan b and moving on with our lives, albeit in a direction different to that we would have preferred. We have our review 1st May which we will go to with an open mind, but I am pretty sure they will tell me what I already know, my eggs are no good :o( not a nice thing to hear at 28. It still really hurts and I often feel sad and upset that our future may never have our own family in it but we are trying to move on and live our lives the way we always said we would if a baby never came our way. We have also decided to bring our plans to move to Cornwall forward quite dramatically. We aim to move in the next 5 years as opposed to when we retired!! Life is just too short to wait until you are old!!
I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.
Love to all xxxx
I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.
Love to all xxxx
Sunday, 25 March 2012
To be or not to be....
I guess that is the question right now.
So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer! With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together. With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests! I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD). As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head. I knew they were going to be negative :o( 3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'. A silent tear rolled down my cheek. I just couldnt believe it. I was shocked and stunned. I honestly thought I was pregnant. Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o( With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result.
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept. It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb. As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result. I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o( As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*. Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule. It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o( DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him. I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts. Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.
So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer! With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together. With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests! I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD). As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head. I knew they were going to be negative :o( 3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'. A silent tear rolled down my cheek. I just couldnt believe it. I was shocked and stunned. I honestly thought I was pregnant. Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o( With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result.
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept. It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb. As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result. I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o( As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*. Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule. It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o( DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him. I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts. Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.
Friday, 23 March 2012
Too scared for words
Tomorrow is otd + I'm absolutely petrified. The thought of testing fills me with utter dread. I can't think about anything else, my head is a mess! I honestly have no idea what it will be, bfn or bfp. I could quite easily convince myself either way. On my positive days, its like how can o not be? Its obvious with my symptoms. On my negative days, its like, how can I possibly be? Its impossible. This whole process is just so incredibly hard + the 2ww is pure torture.
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/
Sent from my HTC
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/
Sent from my HTC
Thursday, 15 March 2012
The Incredible Journey...
...loved that film!
Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF. 6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww. The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear. The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch. To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement. With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world. To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!! I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing. Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing. Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all. You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you. We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing. Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days! Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart. I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result. I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!! Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative. The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also. Its 50/50 isnt it. Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome. Its all down to nature now. All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.
Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx
Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF. 6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww. The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear. The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch. To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement. With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world. To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!! I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing. Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing. Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all. You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you. We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing. Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days! Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart. I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result. I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!! Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative. The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also. Its 50/50 isnt it. Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome. Its all down to nature now. All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.
Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx
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