PMA all the way!!!

Not sure if it will last but I havent felt this positive towards a cycle before.  My PMA is sky high at the min, which is great, I just hope I'm not building myself up for the biggest of falls....although thats the thing, I honestly dont think I am!?  I dont know what it is but this time it just feels so right, like this really is OUR time :o)  I dont have those nagging doubts or worries about 'those phone calls' coming.  I believe with all my heart that everything will go well this time and in just a few weeks I WILL be pregnant......a truly amazing feeling, I just hope I'm right and not kidding myself on some seriously deep level.

The problem is, now that I feel this sure, I'm getting really impatient! I just want to get on with it and BE PREGNANT!!!  Not long to wait though really, scan is this Fri to check lining and plan the 'big thaw'!  This time next week we should be well on our way to ET....WHOOP WHOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously scared

Been for my DR scan this morning + it's getting all real again now. The Dr stage is just about the injections, theres no real involvement for dh or with care but the next stage is all about scans, consents + embies. This is the part when it has all gone wrong before which is why I'm so scared! This is our last chance. If this fails, its all over, which only makes it even more terrifying. One step at a time...if only my mind would listen to that!

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Mixed Emotions...

... My sister has had her baby tonight! I'm now an auntie to 2 beautiful nieces :-)  I'm thrilled to bits + will love this little bundle just as much as my little princess. The problem is, I cried for an hour after I got the call. I know some tears were happy ones but many were for the lonliness + heartbreak of it not being our baby. I honestly did think the next birth announcement would be ours :-( DO NOT get me wrong, I'm delighted for my sister + her family + its great to have another niece, I just feel so sad that I'm still childless.  I guess it doesn't help that I'm going through fet right now... Theres a new baby in the family + behind all that, I'm secretly injecting myself in order to have just a chance at having the same :'(

I've never felt such intense joy + heartbreak together. Its a very strange + difficult feeling to experience...I don't think I like it.

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Here we go again....

Its time to ride the rollercoaster again.  In in a bid to save what is left of my sanity, we have decided to go for our FET.  I just need to know which way my life is headed now.  One way or another, we really need an outcome so we can move on in which ever direction our life heads.  Its exciting, absolutely terrifying and utterly bonkers but I cant wait for the end result, one way or another.  Worryingly, I'm almost looking forward to the end of it all more than the result itself?!  Probably because I cant really allow myself to think of the result right now.  Either way, its going to be incredibly hard.  If were successful, theres all the seriously scary times that come with that and if it fails, there is the heartbreak and realisation to deal with also.  So for now, I'm just focusing on the fact that we should have a definitive result one way or another.  I think if it fails as it did last time then there is very little doubt that my eggs are shot and thats the end of our journey (donor eggs just arent for me).  If we get an embie to put back then that may give a glimmer of hope for another IVF in time when we have the strength and cash to pay for it (if we decide to go down this road as it is something I have adamently said will never happen!).  Then, being positive, if it works, all is good and we have a whole new rollercoaster to ride :o)

Anyways, thats all weeks away yet.  I'm only on day 4 of dr injections.  They are being done but I cant say they are going well as each one has been horrible so far.  I've no idea why, but I find myself getting anxious before each one this time, which I'm sure wont be helping them go smoothly!  I seem to be worse this time than any of the others, which is a bit bizarre as its never bothered me before!?

I'm sure it wont be long before they are all over and its time for those wonderful pessaries us ivf girls love so much!!!

Be happy everyone xxxx

Feeling Positively Shite

You know what?......No, neither do I :o(  Had a big argument with dh tonight, hence whilst I'm still wide awake and posting on here at daft o'clock (1.17am).  I dont know why we even go there because every time we even start talking about infertility and its impact, we just end up having a massive argument because we have such different ways of dealing with it.  I get very upset and emotional about it all, which tbh, I think is perfectly normal and rather much to be expected but dh seems to think I am some derranged woman who has completely lost the plot and requires urgent psychiatric intervention!  Everything in life to him is pure black and white.  To him, we either have a baby or we dont.  Either way all will be hunky dory and we will carry on happy as larry.  We actually, NO WE FUCKING WONT!  Life wont be that simple for me.  If our upcoming fet fails, life will be positively shite for a while.  I'm pretty sure eventually, although fuck knows when, I will feel again, feel what, I dont know, but I'm sure I will at least feel something.  The mere thought of the reaching the end of the journey is positively heartbreaking, let alone actually getting there and having no baby with us.  Facing a life without children really does smash my heart to pieces but I am acutely aware that it is a great posibility.  However, dh barely shows any signs of caring.  I know deep down that he does but he never shows it, he puts up these big steel walls that not even I can get through.  I honestly have no idea what is going on on the inside, but from the outside it looks like he would just wake up the next day, say "oh well, that was that" and off to work he would go as if nothing had every happened and life would carry on.  Although, tbh he has such a 'life goes on' attitude, I think he would do that even if I were to drop dead so I guess I shouldnt look into that too much, should I?!? 

I just honestly dont know what to do.  It is all hard enough, this ivf lark.  I really cant cope with having to hide my emotions because dh thinks I'm nuts if I show how I really feel.  Its like, when I get all wound up or upset over yet another friend from school delightedly announcing their pregnancy on FB.  Dont get me wrong, I'm happy for them.  I wouldnt wish infertility on anyone but it doesnt stop the crushing pain in my heart every time I see another announcement.  Like the other day when I saw my b-i-l's sister announcing her 4th pregnancy when she already palms her eldest off on his granny at every given opportunity.  Shes only doing it because she wants a girl!  3 boys isnt enough, she wants a girl and wont stop churning them out until she has one.....greedy cow!  Some people just have no idea how bloody lucky they are.  I guess thats the one good thing about going through infertility - if you come out the other side with a baby that is - you would never ever take for granted the precious gift you had been given.

Anyways, I guess I really should go to bed (spare room, yep it really is that bad) and figure out how to sleep.  Although I doubt it will happen....I have a stinking cold and endo pain thanks to the evil witch so theres probably little point in me even bothering.  Think I might put the kettle on instead....anyone want one?