Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh

This is getting soooooooo hard :-( yet another friend from school has announced they are pregnant :-( I would never wish this hurt on anyone. It is just so incredibly hard to see everyone else suddenly married + having babies within the year when youve been married 8 years + trying for a baby for 4 years :-( DH really doesn't understand either. He just thinks I'm stupid + totally over reacting when I get upset over hearing their news. I know I'm not unusual in how I feel tho. I know my care girls feel just the same. They understand the pain + heartache I feel. All I want is for that fairytale life everyone else seems to be having. Why does life have to hurt so much? :-(

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Those blasted hormones....

....are driving me mad again :o(  I'm so incredibly up and down, I dont know what to do with myself and I know hubby is finding it really hard to understand.  I can go from feeling happy, grateful for the life I have and positive for the future, so really down, upset, angry and totally negative about everything, all in the space of a day :o(  My hormones just seem to run riot just after ovulation and there is nothing I can do to calm them down.  I just have to try my best to ride it out without anything too drastic being said/done as I know they will calm down after af and I will have a couple of weeks feeling reasonably balanced until it starts all over again.  I just feel so angry sometimes, I could scream until my lungs burst and throw anything to hand, preferably breakable.  It hurts so much that so many people around me are having babies without even thinking about it, which, dont get me wrong, it exactly how it should be, but I cant help but be angry that it isnt the same for me.  That I have to struggle, fight and put myself and dh through round after round of ivf with never any result at the end of all that pain :o(  Life just feels so incredibly unfair sometimes and I dont know how to accept or understand it.

The unfairness of life

Today after a long painful day (thanks endo), I was once again reminded just how unfair life can be.  I thought I was doing OK. I thought I was coping quite well with postponing our fet. That was until I read on FB that a friend from school, who only married just a few weeks ago, is pregnant. It hit me so hard in the guts, I felt physically winded. Don't get  me wrong, i would never wish the pain + heartache I + many others feel on anyone, but you still have to wonder about the fairness of it all. Why does someone, barely back from honeymoon get to be pregnant when someone who has tried for years still waits? What is fair about that? It's just cruel + hurtful :-(
Now I know many (including my dh) would say fairness just doesn't come into it but I'm afraid for me, it just does. I can't help but ask that unanswerable question...WHY?
WHY do others get pregnant without trying, when I have to struggle?
WHY do women lose babies they want so badly, when others couldn't care less?
WHY do I have to go through this heartache?
WHY do I have to feel such pain?
WHY WHY WHY???

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Confused, Scared & Hurting

I hate feeling like this :-( so incredibly sad + negative about the future of our ivf journey. After the news on thurs, I just know that my eggs are no good. Its the only explanation as to why it has never happened naturally + why ivf keeps going so wrong. I know we have our 6 frosties but I am so scared of losing all of them before we get a chance of putting one back :-( it all just feels so hard right now + I don't think it will change until we have done the fet. To top things off, I am on day 35 today, so the witch is really toying with me :-( I'm trying so hard not to think about what might be but the want is so strong, its too hard not to allow the temptation of the possibility of a natural miracle. I just hope she turns up soon before I'm heartbroken again :-(

Love & sticky baby dust to all who read this xxxx

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Can't stop crying

I thought I was going to be OK after the apt yesterday but tonight I just can't stop crying. The thought of never being able to have my own baby is just heartbreaking. I really don't know how to cope with that. I know we have the 6 frosties but there is no guarantee that they will grow let alone be transferred + become a successful pregnancy. The odds are so against us it just feels close to impossible. I feel so emotional about it all which is hard as I had kinda left all that behind after ec + the cancellation. Its just horrible having to relive it all again. All those feelings + emotions I had buried, are now raging like a tsunami, flooding my body + talking out everything in its path :-( I hate feeling like this, so out of control, its scary :-(

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