Confused, Scared & Hurting

I hate feeling like this :-( so incredibly sad + negative about the future of our ivf journey. After the news on thurs, I just know that my eggs are no good. Its the only explanation as to why it has never happened naturally + why ivf keeps going so wrong. I know we have our 6 frosties but I am so scared of losing all of them before we get a chance of putting one back :-( it all just feels so hard right now + I don't think it will change until we have done the fet. To top things off, I am on day 35 today, so the witch is really toying with me :-( I'm trying so hard not to think about what might be but the want is so strong, its too hard not to allow the temptation of the possibility of a natural miracle. I just hope she turns up soon before I'm heartbroken again :-(

Love & sticky baby dust to all who read this xxxx

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Can't stop crying

I thought I was going to be OK after the apt yesterday but tonight I just can't stop crying. The thought of never being able to have my own baby is just heartbreaking. I really don't know how to cope with that. I know we have the 6 frosties but there is no guarantee that they will grow let alone be transferred + become a successful pregnancy. The odds are so against us it just feels close to impossible. I feel so emotional about it all which is hard as I had kinda left all that behind after ec + the cancellation. Its just horrible having to relive it all again. All those feelings + emotions I had buried, are now raging like a tsunami, flooding my body + talking out everything in its path :-( I hate feeling like this, so out of control, its scary :-(

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Feeling sad :o(

We had our review today....not so good news though :o(  It looks like my suspisions were right....my eggs arent much good :o(  The consultant said that if our 6 frosties fail to grow then it is most likely a problem with my eggs as they have fertilised so it means that the sperm must be ok.  Really upset but know that we have to have faith in our frosties.  One....thats all it takes.....or so they keep telling me :o(

Feeling low :-(

Started to feel really low the last couple of days. Not all that sure why either. I really thought I was OK with the decision to delay our fet but the more time passes, the harder it feels. My sister has started to show now + as happy as I am for her, it reminds me that it still hasn't happened for us. At the end of the day, I want my baby, no-one elses. I have had a promotion at work which is why we have had to delay fet. Its keeping me very busy + helping take my mind off things but there are days like today (when I'm not at work) that it all seems to hurt much more :-(

On a good note, we have booked to go on hol to exmoor which I'm very excited about. It will be out first holiday alone together in over 6 years! We normally go to Cornwall + stay with dh's dad. I sooo can't wait!

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Feeling Sad

Emotions seem to be all over the place at the min.  One minute I'm feeling ok and positive about our 6 little frosties, the next I'm feeling really down and convinced that we face a childless future which breaks my heart :o(  My dh would make such an amazing daddy and it hurts so much to think that I may never be able to give him that opportunity.  Then the positive side of me says shut up it aint over yet!!!  Its like I'm splilt in 2 and both sides are fighting it out over how I should feel.  I want the positive side to win because I truly believe that being positive has a great effect on both mind and body.  Its just really hard. 
I'm absolutely delighted that my sister got the all clear at her 12 week scan yesterday.  I wouldnt wish this kind of heartache on anyone.  As I have heard a lot from ivf sisters recently, its not someone elses baby I want, its our own.  It just makes me sad that there is a possibility we may never achieve that dream.

But hey, positive thinking eh?!  We have 6 super strong little frosties waiting for us and it only takes 1 ;o)