Tough Times

I really don't want to post this as I'm not a fan of self pittying posts but life is tough right now, it really is. I know I have a lot to actually be grateful for, I have enough money to pay the bills + food on the table, a great husband + reasonably good health given I have endo.The problem is this.....my husband was due to be made redundant this year which would have resulted in very little payout, enough to cover maybe a months wages, not much more, so he accepted a new job...a great opportunity, more money, only it is 75 miles away. we decided he should take the job as there is very little opportunity for his level of job where we live + any job is better than no job + we weren't adversed to relocating. now, he has been diong the new job since Jan,.commuting every day, resulting in over 150 miles every day + over 3 hours travelling due to shocking traffic. 4 months ago we decided to sell the house + relocate, a mammoth task in itself as I would have to find a new job + we would be moving away from family who only live a couple of miles away currently. only, this plan hasn't worked out all that well as we have had very little interest in the house, never mind any offers. my house is lovely + I really can't understand it, other than someone, somewhere really doesn't want us to move!?! my hubby is now staying in a hotel 2 nights a week to try and relieve the pressure, millage + travel,now I miss him so much. I know it sounds crazy, its only 2 nights but I hate it, I really hate it. we haven't spent more than a week apart in 13 years before now + all of a sudden he is away 2 nights every week  :'( I just don't know what to do, the option of him finding another job is impossible as here just aren't any where we currently live, we can't rent the house as the mortgage is too high so we have to sell but there's no buyers out there so until then, is a horrible lonely existenceg for us both  :'( not forgetting of course, we are still dreaming of having a family + the thoughts of our final throw of the ivf dice! Many have life much tougher than me, I am very aware of that + try not to let it get the better of me too much but sometimes, like tonight, when I'm alone, all I can do is cry....

It's been a while

I can't actually believe how long it has been since my last post. Time is going way too fast...... I've actually nothing to report on the IVF front. I still cant face going through another cycle. Maybe one say, but right now the thought of it is too much. I think I want, no, I need counselling but the counsellor at my clinic was rubbish and I can't afford to play for the sessions privately. I went to see a lovely lady who did a free first consultation and discovered there were quite a few issues I needed to work through, particularly around what happened last year with my gran, then my dad, as well as the whole IVF rollercoaster. The problem is e see trying to sell the house and relocate to Warwick for my husbands job... which is a whole other nightmare itself! He is currently commuting a 150 mile round trip every day! It's been incredibly slow with viewings with no sign of any offerswhich 7
I can't understand, my house is bloody lovely and very well priced! I certainly wouldn't have moving if we didn't have to! It's one of the other reasons I'm so reluctant to think about IVF again as we need to save our money to move, which leaves nown for IVF.
I've had renewed hope and fight today after trying since updates on a fellow bloggers IVF journey. I am so incredibly pleased that they have had success, not only that but a potential natural miracle, something I, naively maybe, but something I still hope for...

I'm going to start to post regularly again, maybe this can become my therapy instead.

Feeling blue

Don't know what's wrong with me at the min. Constantly feeling really low + feel like I've have forgotten how to smile. Everything seems like it's rubbing my face in it, everywhere I look, every page I turn, there seems to be a new announcement, another birth, someone else sharing their happy news + it furiates me that something so wonderful can make me feel so bad. I wish I could stop feeling like this, I just don't know how + right now, it's tearing me apart :-(

Emotional

It's been a while since I last posted on my blog and I really think its time I started offloading my feelings again. To say I'm a little emotional at the moment is probably rather an understatement. I'm all over the bloody place! I dont really know what to think or feel. My main emotion is of pure sadness with a little anger and frustration thrown in for good measure. Its breaking my heart seeing others happily pregnant or with babies. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having a family and living their lives, whilst it feels like we are stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward, just waiting for the next round of heartbreak. I really dont know when that will be as DH starts a new job in Jan which is a big change as he has been with his current company over 10 years. It is also quite a distance from where we live and the commute, although doable in the short term, is too expensive and tiring to do long term, which means we will have to move sometime next year, meaning new house and new job for me....not good when you are planning on getting pregnant, although that just sounds somewhat ridiculous tbh. The thought of me ever being pg sounds like some sort of sick joke, something that is just never going to happen and merely mentioning it sounds simply cruel. I'm a mess, pure and simple. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore. My heart aches but I am also absolutely terrified of putting myself through another round of IVF. The last 2 have gone far from well and I just dont know if I am strong enough to go through that pain again, both physically and emotionally. There is very little of me left now, if we have another disastrous IVF, I really dont know if I will be able to make it through to the other side.

So much has happened recently. My Gran died in Aug then my dad was rushed to hospital needing life saving surgery. We came so close to losing him I cant begin to explain. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Thankfully the operation was successful and he is slowly recovering, which is amazing, I couldnt bare to lose my dad. This year really has been one of the worst and it started off with a failed fet. I just think if we had treatment again early next year, it would only spark off another dreadful year....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it could also spark the start on an amazing year, true but given my past history of tx, its hardly likely is it.

I just hate feeling this way, so hurt and angry and thoroughly pissed off with the world. It hurts me so much that I can feel angry at my own family that they can have children and I cant. What kind of person does that make me? I love my nieces to the ends of the earth and back, I would do anything for them, I am down as their guardian should (absolute heaven forbid) anything happen to my sister and b-i-l. They are my world, so how can seeing them all as a family hurt me so much, I would rather not see them at all sometimes....its just wrong but I cant stop how I feel.

I see so many updates of friends/family sharing their happy news with the world on FB and all I want to do is shout and scream, "congratulations, now fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face".....now I know that is the last thing they are doing and I should be nothing but happy for them, but I cant and that in itself hurts like hell. I dont want to be that miserable cow in the corner that stays away from everyone because she cant handle others happiness. Thats not the life I want to live.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to live each month in mindless bliss. To just switch off and not spend every waking moment thinking about the world of infertility, ivf and everything that surrounds it, needles, drugs, scans and terrifying phone calls. Oh yes, lets not forget those evil little capsules of loveliness that are vaginal suppositories! The IVF world really is full of excitement and wonder you know! You stupidly fertile people dont know what you are missing out on.....why wouldnt you want to stab yourself with a needle several times a day for weeks on end, travel to the fertility clinic most days only to lie on a bed with you legs spread wide and have a long probe pushed inside you and proded around looking for those pesky ovaries that will no doubt be hiding just to make it that bit more uncomfortable. Why wouldnt you want to have even more needles stuck in you for blood tests to see what your stupid hormones are doing. To get to egg collection day, only to come round from the sedation, assuming you are lucky enough to attend a clinic that does actually sedate you...otherwise you get to be wide awake as they once again, spread your legs, this time in stirrups (oh yes, nothing but glamour for IVF ladies), they then stick a needle, yes NEEDLE!, through your ovary and into the follicles to hopefully retrieve an egg...or hopefully several eggs...if you are lucky! Then it is an agonising wait as they take the eggs into the lab to meet the sperm, romantic isnt it!? Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that this torture isnt restricted to us ladies, our wonderful men have to go through a little red faced fun too....they get to trot off into a little room, with a few dirty mags or even a dirty tv channel or 2 if you go somewhere posh, nothing but the best in IVF! Here, they get to do their thing into a little pot, not missing a drop as every little counts! See, IVF really is THAT glamorous! It doesnt get any better after that. If you are lucky enough to end up with something of use to actually put back, once again you get to spread your legs in a room full of people, this time DH included (yep, you get to endure this indignity in front of your DH!) as they prod and poke you again as they put back what you lovingly call your little embie.....whilst praying you dont pee on the poor sod doing the transfer as you have to have a full bladder, not exaclty easy when they are pushing down on said bladder as they scan your stomach to see where they are poking...the joys of IVF eh?! I'm sure you fertile people are just gutted you too dont have this kind of fun making a baby. Nah, you get to get pissed, have a quickie in the back of the car and hey presto, 2 lines appear. Or of course, for those in loving relationships, have a cheeky glass of wine, put on the romantic tunes and have a night of passionate love making...same result though, 2 lines. Us in the infertile world can only dream of such miracles...but I wouldnt say I'm bitter, no not at all....more like thoroughly PISSED OFF with the world and the complete lack of understand it is able to give us.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannndd breathe.....

incredibly confused

I really don't know what to think or feel. One minute I'm all for trying again and going through one last ivf cycle but then i suddenly feel far too scared and would rather walk on hot coals than go through it all again. I know in many ways it is probably just fear that is making me doubt it all but i have such a strong feeling that it is never going to work, so why bother? It seems an incredibly large amount of money to spend on something that you feel is never going to work + i know that those thoughts alone are enough to stop it working anyway!? The tests results came back as expected, normal, whatever the hell that is? They don't give you anymore detail than that so I've no idea what our level of said normal is? I know it's good news that nothing is wrong but at the same time we are still left with no answers as to why the fcuk we can't get pregnant, let alone have any chance of a healthy pregnancy + baby. It is all just so hard to accept. We are a happily married couple who love each other very much, we have a good home, stable income + could offer all the love any child needs, so why us? Why are we the ones who have to struggle, go through this hell only to be heartbroken at the end once again. I know it's cliche + selfish but i can't help but ask WHY? I feel so lost + confused, my life plan was mapped out, i was happy, now it's all going wrong + i don't know who i am or who i am supposed to be anymore? I just want that happy ending everyone dreams of, why is that too much to ask for?