Emotional

It's been a while since I last posted on my blog and I really think its time I started offloading my feelings again. To say I'm a little emotional at the moment is probably rather an understatement. I'm all over the bloody place! I dont really know what to think or feel. My main emotion is of pure sadness with a little anger and frustration thrown in for good measure. Its breaking my heart seeing others happily pregnant or with babies. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having a family and living their lives, whilst it feels like we are stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward, just waiting for the next round of heartbreak. I really dont know when that will be as DH starts a new job in Jan which is a big change as he has been with his current company over 10 years. It is also quite a distance from where we live and the commute, although doable in the short term, is too expensive and tiring to do long term, which means we will have to move sometime next year, meaning new house and new job for me....not good when you are planning on getting pregnant, although that just sounds somewhat ridiculous tbh. The thought of me ever being pg sounds like some sort of sick joke, something that is just never going to happen and merely mentioning it sounds simply cruel. I'm a mess, pure and simple. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore. My heart aches but I am also absolutely terrified of putting myself through another round of IVF. The last 2 have gone far from well and I just dont know if I am strong enough to go through that pain again, both physically and emotionally. There is very little of me left now, if we have another disastrous IVF, I really dont know if I will be able to make it through to the other side.

So much has happened recently. My Gran died in Aug then my dad was rushed to hospital needing life saving surgery. We came so close to losing him I cant begin to explain. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Thankfully the operation was successful and he is slowly recovering, which is amazing, I couldnt bare to lose my dad. This year really has been one of the worst and it started off with a failed fet. I just think if we had treatment again early next year, it would only spark off another dreadful year....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it could also spark the start on an amazing year, true but given my past history of tx, its hardly likely is it.

I just hate feeling this way, so hurt and angry and thoroughly pissed off with the world. It hurts me so much that I can feel angry at my own family that they can have children and I cant. What kind of person does that make me? I love my nieces to the ends of the earth and back, I would do anything for them, I am down as their guardian should (absolute heaven forbid) anything happen to my sister and b-i-l. They are my world, so how can seeing them all as a family hurt me so much, I would rather not see them at all sometimes....its just wrong but I cant stop how I feel.

I see so many updates of friends/family sharing their happy news with the world on FB and all I want to do is shout and scream, "congratulations, now fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face".....now I know that is the last thing they are doing and I should be nothing but happy for them, but I cant and that in itself hurts like hell. I dont want to be that miserable cow in the corner that stays away from everyone because she cant handle others happiness. Thats not the life I want to live.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to live each month in mindless bliss. To just switch off and not spend every waking moment thinking about the world of infertility, ivf and everything that surrounds it, needles, drugs, scans and terrifying phone calls. Oh yes, lets not forget those evil little capsules of loveliness that are vaginal suppositories! The IVF world really is full of excitement and wonder you know! You stupidly fertile people dont know what you are missing out on.....why wouldnt you want to stab yourself with a needle several times a day for weeks on end, travel to the fertility clinic most days only to lie on a bed with you legs spread wide and have a long probe pushed inside you and proded around looking for those pesky ovaries that will no doubt be hiding just to make it that bit more uncomfortable. Why wouldnt you want to have even more needles stuck in you for blood tests to see what your stupid hormones are doing. To get to egg collection day, only to come round from the sedation, assuming you are lucky enough to attend a clinic that does actually sedate you...otherwise you get to be wide awake as they once again, spread your legs, this time in stirrups (oh yes, nothing but glamour for IVF ladies), they then stick a needle, yes NEEDLE!, through your ovary and into the follicles to hopefully retrieve an egg...or hopefully several eggs...if you are lucky! Then it is an agonising wait as they take the eggs into the lab to meet the sperm, romantic isnt it!? Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that this torture isnt restricted to us ladies, our wonderful men have to go through a little red faced fun too....they get to trot off into a little room, with a few dirty mags or even a dirty tv channel or 2 if you go somewhere posh, nothing but the best in IVF! Here, they get to do their thing into a little pot, not missing a drop as every little counts! See, IVF really is THAT glamorous! It doesnt get any better after that. If you are lucky enough to end up with something of use to actually put back, once again you get to spread your legs in a room full of people, this time DH included (yep, you get to endure this indignity in front of your DH!) as they prod and poke you again as they put back what you lovingly call your little embie.....whilst praying you dont pee on the poor sod doing the transfer as you have to have a full bladder, not exaclty easy when they are pushing down on said bladder as they scan your stomach to see where they are poking...the joys of IVF eh?! I'm sure you fertile people are just gutted you too dont have this kind of fun making a baby. Nah, you get to get pissed, have a quickie in the back of the car and hey presto, 2 lines appear. Or of course, for those in loving relationships, have a cheeky glass of wine, put on the romantic tunes and have a night of passionate love making...same result though, 2 lines. Us in the infertile world can only dream of such miracles...but I wouldnt say I'm bitter, no not at all....more like thoroughly PISSED OFF with the world and the complete lack of understand it is able to give us.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannndd breathe.....

incredibly confused

I really don't know what to think or feel. One minute I'm all for trying again and going through one last ivf cycle but then i suddenly feel far too scared and would rather walk on hot coals than go through it all again. I know in many ways it is probably just fear that is making me doubt it all but i have such a strong feeling that it is never going to work, so why bother? It seems an incredibly large amount of money to spend on something that you feel is never going to work + i know that those thoughts alone are enough to stop it working anyway!? The tests results came back as expected, normal, whatever the hell that is? They don't give you anymore detail than that so I've no idea what our level of said normal is? I know it's good news that nothing is wrong but at the same time we are still left with no answers as to why the fcuk we can't get pregnant, let alone have any chance of a healthy pregnancy + baby. It is all just so hard to accept. We are a happily married couple who love each other very much, we have a good home, stable income + could offer all the love any child needs, so why us? Why are we the ones who have to struggle, go through this hell only to be heartbroken at the end once again. I know it's cliche + selfish but i can't help but ask WHY? I feel so lost + confused, my life plan was mapped out, i was happy, now it's all going wrong + i don't know who i am or who i am supposed to be anymore? I just want that happy ending everyone dreams of, why is that too much to ask for?

And so it begins...

...the final chapter of our baby journey.  We have finally decided to give it one last try.  Tomorrow we are booked in for the chromosome/Karyotype bloods and dh has the pleasure of doing a sperm sample for the DNA fragmentation test.  I'm really not sure if I'm hoping they will show something up or not....if it shows something that we can treat, then all is good but if it shows something that isnt treatable, then thats it, game over, end of journey, no baby.  The thought of either scares me somewhat!  I really hope we just get some answers one way or another.  I cant wait to get the test results back and get on with our 1st and last funded cycle.  We made the decision to do this cycle as my wonderful mother-in-law offered to pay for it for us.  It was a gift far too good to refuse.  I think we need to have a clear line in the sand though before we commence this as we dont want to lose the next 10 years of our lives to IVF.  As much as we want a baby, we also know how precious life is and will not surrender it to the constant pressures and heartache of IVF.  I feel like I've said this a thousand times before but come what may, this is the end of our baby journey.  I am absolutely terrified of going through this cycle but feel we have to do it to be able to trust that whatever the result we have given everything we can to our journey and can look back with no regrets if it just isnt meant to be.

Bring on the needles!

Goodbye Gran

My darling Gran passed away on Sunday 12th August.  It may sound strange but I am honoured to say it was my husband and I that were by her side when she peacfully slipped away.  I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere else than with her.  It had been a very traumatic week for the whole family after she was rushed to hospital with immense stomach pains.  We were taken on the most horrific rollercoaster I have ever experienced and never want to experience again.  My family are incredibly close and no-one wanted my Gran to be left alone in hospital.  We all adored her so much.  We set up a rotation between us all to ensure one of us was with her 24/7 and she was never alone.  After many differernt opinions, the doctors finally confirmed that she had a serious blood clot to her bowel which was effectively killing it off. My Gran was 84 and wasnt strong enough for an operation.  After too many heartbreaking nights with my Gran begging us all to help her and stop her pain, the doctors finally admitted that there was nothing they could do for my Gran and it was time to put her on the Liverpool Care (end of life) Plan which would manage her pain and ease any other symptoms.  Everyone she loved and cared about had been to visit her, even all her great-grandchildren which I know she  was thankful for and really enjoyed.  She felt at peace and ready to go.  Within an hour of starting her on the plan, her pain was gone and she went into a restful deep sleep.  When my husband and I took over from my mum & dad at 5am Sunday morning, there was no change, she was still sleeping peacfully.  At 8.15am her breathing was slowing...she was slipping away.  I immediately rang all the family who rushed to be by her side but I knew they werent going to make it.  Within minutes, she was gone.  I held her hand throughout and told her how much we all loved her and that we would miss her incredibly but it was time for her to rest now.  Gran's funeral is on Tuesday 28th Aug and it will be the hardest day of my life but I know she is safe and happy now.  No more worries, no more pain, just freedom and happiness, back with my grandad where she belongs.

Gran,
I will miss you always, love you forever
xxxxxxxxxx

Not to be :o(

Its taken me a while to be able to come back here.  The results where unsurprisingly negative.  I was still kinda in shock I guess as I felt so sure that I was pregnant.  Even after the 2nd bfn, I almost couldnt believe it was true.  AF was still completely awol and I felt the same, even after stopping the meds but eventually the evil one turned up and reality finally sunk in...it had failed, I really wasnt having a baby.  The hurt and pain kicked in big time and I was absolutely gutted, I just felt numb and sad, still do in many ways.  I'm trying to accept that this part of our lives is over and it is time for plan b and moving on with our lives, albeit in a direction different to that we would have preferred.  We have our review 1st May which we will go to with an open mind, but I am pretty sure they will tell me what I already know, my eggs are no good :o(  not a nice thing to hear at 28.  It still really hurts and I often feel sad and upset that our future may never have our own family in it but we are trying to move on and live our lives the way we always said we would if a baby never came our way.  We have also decided to bring our plans to move to Cornwall forward quite dramatically.  We aim to move in the next 5 years as opposed to when we retired!!  Life is just too short to wait until you are old!!

I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.

Love to all xxxx