Here we go again....

Its time to ride the rollercoaster again.  In in a bid to save what is left of my sanity, we have decided to go for our FET.  I just need to know which way my life is headed now.  One way or another, we really need an outcome so we can move on in which ever direction our life heads.  Its exciting, absolutely terrifying and utterly bonkers but I cant wait for the end result, one way or another.  Worryingly, I'm almost looking forward to the end of it all more than the result itself?!  Probably because I cant really allow myself to think of the result right now.  Either way, its going to be incredibly hard.  If were successful, theres all the seriously scary times that come with that and if it fails, there is the heartbreak and realisation to deal with also.  So for now, I'm just focusing on the fact that we should have a definitive result one way or another.  I think if it fails as it did last time then there is very little doubt that my eggs are shot and thats the end of our journey (donor eggs just arent for me).  If we get an embie to put back then that may give a glimmer of hope for another IVF in time when we have the strength and cash to pay for it (if we decide to go down this road as it is something I have adamently said will never happen!).  Then, being positive, if it works, all is good and we have a whole new rollercoaster to ride :o)

Anyways, thats all weeks away yet.  I'm only on day 4 of dr injections.  They are being done but I cant say they are going well as each one has been horrible so far.  I've no idea why, but I find myself getting anxious before each one this time, which I'm sure wont be helping them go smoothly!  I seem to be worse this time than any of the others, which is a bit bizarre as its never bothered me before!?

I'm sure it wont be long before they are all over and its time for those wonderful pessaries us ivf girls love so much!!!

Be happy everyone xxxx

Feeling Positively Shite

You know what?......No, neither do I :o(  Had a big argument with dh tonight, hence whilst I'm still wide awake and posting on here at daft o'clock (1.17am).  I dont know why we even go there because every time we even start talking about infertility and its impact, we just end up having a massive argument because we have such different ways of dealing with it.  I get very upset and emotional about it all, which tbh, I think is perfectly normal and rather much to be expected but dh seems to think I am some derranged woman who has completely lost the plot and requires urgent psychiatric intervention!  Everything in life to him is pure black and white.  To him, we either have a baby or we dont.  Either way all will be hunky dory and we will carry on happy as larry.  We actually, NO WE FUCKING WONT!  Life wont be that simple for me.  If our upcoming fet fails, life will be positively shite for a while.  I'm pretty sure eventually, although fuck knows when, I will feel again, feel what, I dont know, but I'm sure I will at least feel something.  The mere thought of the reaching the end of the journey is positively heartbreaking, let alone actually getting there and having no baby with us.  Facing a life without children really does smash my heart to pieces but I am acutely aware that it is a great posibility.  However, dh barely shows any signs of caring.  I know deep down that he does but he never shows it, he puts up these big steel walls that not even I can get through.  I honestly have no idea what is going on on the inside, but from the outside it looks like he would just wake up the next day, say "oh well, that was that" and off to work he would go as if nothing had every happened and life would carry on.  Although, tbh he has such a 'life goes on' attitude, I think he would do that even if I were to drop dead so I guess I shouldnt look into that too much, should I?!? 

I just honestly dont know what to do.  It is all hard enough, this ivf lark.  I really cant cope with having to hide my emotions because dh thinks I'm nuts if I show how I really feel.  Its like, when I get all wound up or upset over yet another friend from school delightedly announcing their pregnancy on FB.  Dont get me wrong, I'm happy for them.  I wouldnt wish infertility on anyone but it doesnt stop the crushing pain in my heart every time I see another announcement.  Like the other day when I saw my b-i-l's sister announcing her 4th pregnancy when she already palms her eldest off on his granny at every given opportunity.  Shes only doing it because she wants a girl!  3 boys isnt enough, she wants a girl and wont stop churning them out until she has one.....greedy cow!  Some people just have no idea how bloody lucky they are.  I guess thats the one good thing about going through infertility - if you come out the other side with a baby that is - you would never ever take for granted the precious gift you had been given.

Anyways, I guess I really should go to bed (spare room, yep it really is that bad) and figure out how to sleep.  Although I doubt it will happen....I have a stinking cold and endo pain thanks to the evil witch so theres probably little point in me even bothering.  Think I might put the kettle on instead....anyone want one?

Happy New Year...

...I guess.  Needless to say, I'm not feeling the new year vibe this year. Don't really know why, just don't feel excited about the year ahead. I think I'm just so fed up of approaching every year with hopes + dreams, only for it to end as empty and painful as it started :-(  this year I have decided to hope for nothing, that way, I figure I can't be disappointed at the end of it...or at least that's my theory! We will see what I'm putting in here in 12 months time!

Happy New Year everyone xx

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Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh

This is getting soooooooo hard :-( yet another friend from school has announced they are pregnant :-( I would never wish this hurt on anyone. It is just so incredibly hard to see everyone else suddenly married + having babies within the year when youve been married 8 years + trying for a baby for 4 years :-( DH really doesn't understand either. He just thinks I'm stupid + totally over reacting when I get upset over hearing their news. I know I'm not unusual in how I feel tho. I know my care girls feel just the same. They understand the pain + heartache I feel. All I want is for that fairytale life everyone else seems to be having. Why does life have to hurt so much? :-(

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Those blasted hormones....

....are driving me mad again :o(  I'm so incredibly up and down, I dont know what to do with myself and I know hubby is finding it really hard to understand.  I can go from feeling happy, grateful for the life I have and positive for the future, so really down, upset, angry and totally negative about everything, all in the space of a day :o(  My hormones just seem to run riot just after ovulation and there is nothing I can do to calm them down.  I just have to try my best to ride it out without anything too drastic being said/done as I know they will calm down after af and I will have a couple of weeks feeling reasonably balanced until it starts all over again.  I just feel so angry sometimes, I could scream until my lungs burst and throw anything to hand, preferably breakable.  It hurts so much that so many people around me are having babies without even thinking about it, which, dont get me wrong, it exactly how it should be, but I cant help but be angry that it isnt the same for me.  That I have to struggle, fight and put myself and dh through round after round of ivf with never any result at the end of all that pain :o(  Life just feels so incredibly unfair sometimes and I dont know how to accept or understand it.