Feeling low :-(

Started to feel really low the last couple of days. Not all that sure why either. I really thought I was OK with the decision to delay our fet but the more time passes, the harder it feels. My sister has started to show now + as happy as I am for her, it reminds me that it still hasn't happened for us. At the end of the day, I want my baby, no-one elses. I have had a promotion at work which is why we have had to delay fet. Its keeping me very busy + helping take my mind off things but there are days like today (when I'm not at work) that it all seems to hurt much more :-(

On a good note, we have booked to go on hol to exmoor which I'm very excited about. It will be out first holiday alone together in over 6 years! We normally go to Cornwall + stay with dh's dad. I sooo can't wait!

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Feeling Sad

Emotions seem to be all over the place at the min.  One minute I'm feeling ok and positive about our 6 little frosties, the next I'm feeling really down and convinced that we face a childless future which breaks my heart :o(  My dh would make such an amazing daddy and it hurts so much to think that I may never be able to give him that opportunity.  Then the positive side of me says shut up it aint over yet!!!  Its like I'm splilt in 2 and both sides are fighting it out over how I should feel.  I want the positive side to win because I truly believe that being positive has a great effect on both mind and body.  Its just really hard. 
I'm absolutely delighted that my sister got the all clear at her 12 week scan yesterday.  I wouldnt wish this kind of heartache on anyone.  As I have heard a lot from ivf sisters recently, its not someone elses baby I want, its our own.  It just makes me sad that there is a possibility we may never achieve that dream.

But hey, positive thinking eh?!  We have 6 super strong little frosties waiting for us and it only takes 1 ;o) 

What to feel?

Just feel kinda strange right now.  Its not like last time when it was completely over because we have our 6 little frosties waiting for us :o)  I just really want to get on with it now and get the fet started!  I'm absolutely terrified that none of them will be viable but I have a good feeling that we will get a blast to put back! 

My sister has her 12 week scan today and I'm nervous for her.  I really hope with all my heart that everything is ok.  I may feel sad that it is not me that is pregnant but I want my own baby, not hers.  I wouldnt want to take that away from them for anything.  I cant wait for her to let me know how the scan has gone, I hope beyond hope that mini mark 2 is safe and sound.

Bring on our own FET :o) xx

Heartbroken...again :o(

Well, the phone call came. Wish it hadnt :o(  Its happened again, just with bigger number.  We started with 31, down to 14, only 6 fertilised :o(  Totally heartbroken.  As we cant have one put back now, we dont know how well those 6 will grow and many dont even survive the freeze/thaw process.  The hurt is just as great as last time.  There had to be a compatability issue, thats something we cant change :o(  To make things worse, we cant even have our review appt until Sept as they are losing 2 consultants and new ones dont have appts yet so got to wait forever until we can even discuss what happened and how to approach fet, which I almost feel there is no point as nothing will be good enough to put back anyway :o(
#heartbroken #gutted #seriouslyfuckedoff #:o(

And again it goes wrong...

Well ec was yesterday!  That bit went well, got 31 eggs!  Thats not as good news as it sounds though.  The higher number of eggs, the lower the maturity rate.  We only had 14 that were mature, which is good when you ignore the fact that we had 31 to start with!  The problem with having to many is that the risk of my ohss becoming severe is far too high, so they have cancelled this cycle and will freeze any embies we have today.  Gutted to say the very least but I know it is for the best.  Theres no point having an embie put back if I am too poorly for it to stay on board.  I'm just waiting for that dreaded phone call to say how many have fertilised and so how many we have to freeze...my heart is pounding just thinking of the phone ringing!  I'm just hoping and praying that we have a good number fertilise, otherwise I dont know what we will do :o(  Think positive, think positive!