AF already!

Well the pill has done its job again!  CD25 and af has turned up so hopefully will have my dr scan next Fri :o)  Injections are going well so far so hopefully things will continue that way! 

Here we go......Round 2

Well, after a very long wait, we start round 2 on Monday 4th July.  I have been on the pill for a few weeks and its been quite horrible with awful headaches but I cant wait to get started with the injections and begin the rollercoster that is IVF all over again....never thought I would be saying that!!  I'm just really glad to be starting this and to be able to move on with our lives after this, come what may.

Confused.com

Life is a rollercoaster......I have never felt this to be so true.  I feel so unbalanced and confused I just dont know what to think, say, do.  I have been off work for the past 7+ weeks after having a major operation on my knee and I think I have had far too much time on my own to think!  My head is a mess, it really is.  I just feel like I have lost all focus of who I am and where I am headed.  I feel lost.  My hormones are like scrambled eggs, a complete gooey mess.  I am not really a career person since I gave up my dream of working with dogs years ago as there were very few jobs out there that paid the bills.  Since then, I have just worked to earn money and nothing more.  It didnt matter though.  My goal in life was to become a mother and live happily ever after.  Now, I'm not so sure such a fairytale exists, other than in stories and movies.  Real life is different.  Its cruel and unforgiving.  It doesnt understand the pain a heart can feel when a dream is shattered.  It doesnt care how badly you want something or what you are prepared to do to get it.  If life doesnt want you to follow that path, it simply wont let you, no matter how hard you fight it. 
I know I have to change things.  I have to find a new strength within me to live the life I have been given.  There is no point in wasting it, I wont get it back.  Words are easy though, dont you think?  It is so easy to tell myself what I must do and that I can actually do it.  It is far harder to bring all that into real life.  Its like my brain has been de-programmed and I have forgotten what it is I am here for.  I have totally forgotten how to be happy.  All I ever feel is sad but often for no reason I can explain.  Its just a feeling I have gotten used to and dont know how to feel any different.  I dont really think this is about Tiggers Baby Journey anymore. 
Its Tiggers Life Journey....xx

Insecurities

The rollercoaster of IVF never stops.  Even when you arent going through treatment, the emotions are still immense.  We are starting again in June but already I can feel myself getting anxious about going through it all again.  I feel so insecure all the time, questioning everything.  I hate the way IVF takes over your life, your mind.  You never stop thinking and feeling everything that is IVF.  It just doesnt stop.  As terrified as I am, I almost cant wait for this to be over so that I can let go of IVF forever....like its that easy?!

The Up's & The Down's!

Well its been a while since my last post!  I started off this year with great hope and positivity.  The rough plan was to spend a few months getting fit and healthy and in best possible form for our next ivf cycle.  Unfortunately, that plan got totally wiped out in the 2nd week of Jan when my knee dislocated again.  I was on crutches for a few weeks due to the pain and eventually after weeks of pain and no improvement, I saw a knee specialist who sent me for an MRI on my knee.  This showed I had torn cartilage but no signs of recurrent dislocation.  It was agreed that I would have an arthroscopy to repair the cartilage and look to see if my knee was indeed dislocating with a view to do mpfl surgery if this was the case.  Of course, with my luck, this was the case and mpfl was done.  I am now 2 weeks post surgery and its been hell!  I am still in daily pain and cannot bend my knee more than a few degrees.  I have the supporting splint removed tomorrow but will be undergoing physio for a number of months and on crutches for I dont know how much longer. 

Obviously, this has all demolished my plans for getting fit and healthy...I'm at my worst state possible!  The lack of movement also stops our ivf plans for the time being as I cant move enough for tx and cant drive to the clinic every week either!  My emotions are somewhat all over the place really.  On one side, I'm pretty upset that we cant get on with tx and in turn on with our lives come what may.  Although, on the other hand, I'm relieved that I havent got to go through all that heartache again just yet.  The thought of those phone calls after ec is just so fear inducing, I dont know if I'm strong enough to cope with it all over again, esp if it goes the same way :o(

Life is a rollercoaster........so true!