So Alone

I know I shouldnt be writing this post as it just seems so heartless and selfish but I need to put my feelings somewhere before they take over.

The past 2 weeks have been nothing but heartache.  DH's stepdad passed away last Thurs :o(  The pain for everyone is just awful.  I wish there was something I could do to help them but there isnt.  DH is trying to be the strong one, keeping it together for everyone else but it is affecting him more than he would admit.  He hasnt slept properly for over a week, which I guess is to be expected but he just seems to be shutting me out, which doesnt help the way I am feeling.  It feels like I am not part what has happened as I'm not 'family' but I am, any pain they feel, I feel :o(

On top of all that, the whole failure/cancellation of our IVF is unbearable.  I feel I need to deal with it, to process what happened but I cant.  It just seems to selfish of me to be thinking about that when my DH and his family are going through hell.  Having spoken to my lovely BB friends, I know what I am feeling is normal and expected following an unsuccesful tx but it doesnt make me feel any better about it.  I just feel like a really bad person :o(  I just know I need to deal with it though as its eating away at me.  The hurt is awful.  I know I never had my embie put back and it was never officially a baby but I still feel like I have lost my baby :o(  Everyday I wonder what might have been, would it have implanted by now, would I be on track for a BFP next week?!  No-one at work has even mentioned IVF or asked what happened.  Its like they have forgotten all about it just because I'm not pregnant :o(  I went through all that for nothing and no-one seems to care.  That sounds so mardy and selfish I know.  I'm not seeking attention for what happened, I just want someone to acknowledge it, realise that it meant something.  I know we get another chance but right now that is of no comfort.  The thought of having to go through all that, the scans, the injections, blood tests, EC is just awful.  I just dont want to put myself through that again but know I have to.  I'm hoping I will feel better after our review appt in Oct when we will hopefully have some answers as to what went wrong and how we can fix it.  For now, I guess I just keep on going and hope that these feelings will slowly disappear. 

Love, luck and babydust xxxx

Heartbreak

Well it is most definitely all over now :o(  I'm absolutely gutted.  Cried for an hour solid this morning.  However, there are much more important things happening right now as hubby's stepdad is on life support in intensive care after a massive heartattack.  They are very unsure if/how he will recover due to the time he was without oxygen.  It makes my heartbreak seem so silly and selfish.  I just have to push all that aside and look after my hubby and his family right now, they are what is important. xxxx

Fight or flight

And so the journey continues.  I slowly picked myself up off the floor yesterday and had slight PMA by the time I hit my bed last night, albeit in pain and cuddled up to my heat pad!!! Unfortunately, the news today was also not good :o( My lone survivor is a fragmented grade 3. Once again I was in floods of tears and absolutely gutted. I eventually calmed myself down and rang them back to speak to the embryologist again. She was lovely and assured me that my embie, although fragmented, is looking good. She said the only reason they grade them is to pick the best one, in my case they dont have that choice but my embie is dividing well and is 6 cells today. She has promised to ring me in the morning to give me a quick update on how it has grown, hopefully to put my mind at rest that it is ok. Transfer is booked for 1.30pm tomorrow so fingers and toes and everything else possible crossed that my little fighter keeps dividing and is a nice number of cells to put back tomorrow. Although, the tears keep threatening, I have decided that all I can do now is be as strong and positive as I can and give my little embie the very best chance of making it. I'm having acu this aft and tomorrow after trans also so hopefully this will help the little one snuggle down for the long haul.

Love, luck and sticky babydust xxxx

Devastated

It kills me to have to write this post :o(  We went in for EC yesterday and all went well.  We had 9 eggs collected and agreed to aim for a blast transfer.........that was yesterday.

The call finally came this morning from the embryologist.....not good news, pretty much the worst news I could have imaginied.  Out of the 9 eggs, only 3 were mature....3 WTF????  They ICSI'd all 3 but on 1 fertilised....1 FFS!  I just cant believe this has happened.  I wasnt expecting miracles, but to only have 1 embryo is absolutely devastating.  I'm absolutely gutted.  It feels like it is all over before the 2ww has even begun.  They have said that our single embryo looks ok and they will ring with an update in the morn but tbh, I dont even think that one will survive....its just not meant to be :o(

Cooked at last :o)

I honestly never thought I would get to this stage after that 1st scan but finally I cant believe I will be having EC on Saturday :o)  HCG is at 9pm tonight and I have to be at Care for 8.30am on Sat, I am soooooooo pleased that it is finally happening and the injections will all be over as of tonight.  Bring on Saturday and some lovely eggs....WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Loads of love, luck and sticky babydust to all xxxx