Time to move on

So, once again, time has done a disappearing act and another 6 months have passed. Where the heck it goes,I truly have no clue. What I do know, however, is that it's time for change. Now is my time, time to put my energy into me and by this, I mean finding myself again. I am ready to move on and find who I am now. I want to say I want to go back to who I used to be but I don't believe in going backwards. I need to look forward and find out who I am now, battered, bruised and scarred but alive and able to to tell my tale without breaking down into a crumpled mess.

This blog has been necessary. It's helped me cope through utter hell, been my sounding board, my screaming place, my shoulder to cry on and at times, my lifeline. But it's time to end this story and move on. So, I'm going to say goodbye to this blog and start up a new one. One that tells the next chapter in my story. My journey to self discovery and sorting my shit out, once and for all...

Goodbye and thank you xxx

Really????

I've genuinely absolutely no idea how it's been so long since my last post. I was certain it had only been about a year. So much time has passed and so much has happened... Although still no baby I'm afraid 😢
One massive change, is that we now live in Cornwall 😁 At least that's one dream come true. One that I thought would always be out of reach, but we did it, we made it happen 😊 I'm so blessed that we get to walk on the beach every day, it means the absolute world to me. It's the only place I feel safe and at home. Somewhere my heart feels like it could actually heal one day. I feel like I can breathe. It's far from easy, although I've learnt that nothing in life ever is, but the plans we made when we moved there have pretty much gone to shit! Life is very slowly coming good though and I've so much faith that we will be ok. My husband and I are so lucky to have each other. Together we are an incredibly strong couple and for that I am eternally grateful. What we have, I know so many only dream of and I try to never take that for granted.
I do have to admit that I find this time of year incredibly difficult. So many people make a big point of Christmas being all about children and I can't argue with that because generally...it is! The problem with that is that when you want, but can't have children, it makes Christmas feel seriously shit. I used to adore Christmas, my tree up on 1st December without fail, but now, I dread it, that abject misery and feeling of emptiness is utterly compounded by the lack of children...to create elf on the shelf scenarios for, to hide presents from, to awake at the crack of dawn on Xmas day, full of excitement and bewilderment that Santa has been.... Without children all of that is nonexistent 😢
I hadn't intended on my first post in such a long time to be so down beat, it's just such a thought provoking, heart wrenching time of year, you can't help but feel reflective and just a little bit sorrowful....

stop the clock

If only we could...stop the clock that is. Time is ticking by far too quickly, both physically + emotionally. Everytime I logon here to post, it's been months yet only feels like a matter of weeks. I'm also terrifyingly aware that my body clock is ticking away at an alarming rate. I'm 33 now and whilst that isn't exactly old, it is when you're talking fertility and ivf and even more so when you add endometriosis into the mix 😔 I always wanted to be a young mum, now I face the very real possibility, I may never be a mum at all.

I'd like to say that I'm ok with that, but it would be bullshit! Whilst the thought no longer has me crying uncontrollably, it still hurts like hell. It doesn't help that there are currently 3 pregnancies in our family. I don't wish to take such joy away from anyone, it just hurts that it has never been and may never be me. We may never get to make that exciting announcement that we're expecting, or post proud, sickeningly happy pictures of our newborn baby. To feel that pure love + adoration that being a parent brings.
Yeah ok, so I'm not exactly over it, having graciously accepted my lot but hey, I'm trying!

Time....wtf does it go?!

I was almost certain I had only posted my last blog a few weeks ago...how the hell it was back in October I've no idea!

Anyways, onto the real reason for this post....

I'm fecked off, simple as that! I'm sure anyone that has ever experienced the shitness that is infertility will understand this one. I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being the one who has to make other people feel better for MY infertility! Errr, hello, it's me that's fucking going through this shitness. Me that's suffered the ongoing heartache, month after month after month, yet somehow, I'M the one that has to comfort others so that they don't feel bad when they stick their, seriously ignorant, size fucking 15's, right into my heart. When stupid people ask stupid, thoughtless questions, like, "don't you want any children?", I'M the one who has to make shit up so that they don't feel bad for their ignorance, when all I want to do is scream and shout about how fucking stupid and ignorant they are, how they need to actually engage brain before they open their mouths. Surely it is those people that need to expand their mindset to consider other people and understand that not everyone's lives work out as the pathetic fairytales lead us to believe is how real life works. Infertility is what is real, it's prevalent in so many people's everyday lives, yet there is still so much ignorance and stigma surrounding this soul destroying heartbreak. It's utterly ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off with having to be the one to make other people feel better, for THEIR OWN ignorance!

And breathe...

Pain

That's what had brought me back to my blog. Horrendous amounts of pain. I've been lucky, for the past few years, I haven't experienced pain to the levels I had previously grown used to. Only now it's back and as agonizing as ever and I have absolutely no idea of how to cope with it.

I'm talking about endometriosis. It seems that my relatively pain free days are well and truly over and, practically overnight, I am back to constant, unbearable pain. The type that only my endo sisters will fully understand, the type that can have you on your knees in seconds, as the searing pain rips through you like a knife. That's before the red hot poker kicks in too. My oh my that fecker is evil. Unrelenting pain like nothing you've ever experienced before.

So, I'm now back to living on pain killers, glued to anything hot, in my case, a heated wheat bag in the shape of gromit! I'm hoping to see a specialist consultant soon but have to get Bupa to approved him first....just another battle!

I have a feeling I'll be back again soon...tiggers baby journey has taken an unscheduled detour....

It's been a while.....again

It seems I didn't do so well in starting up my blog posts again! Time seems to just dispose. We've since moved to Warwickshire and I've started a new job. Nothing has changed in our journey for a baby, despite my ridiculous hopes and dreams each month :-( maybe one day......

Tough Times

I really don't want to post this as I'm not a fan of self pittying posts but life is tough right now, it really is. I know I have a lot to actually be grateful for, I have enough money to pay the bills + food on the table, a great husband + reasonably good health given I have endo.The problem is this.....my husband was due to be made redundant this year which would have resulted in very little payout, enough to cover maybe a months wages, not much more, so he accepted a new job...a great opportunity, more money, only it is 75 miles away. we decided he should take the job as there is very little opportunity for his level of job where we live + any job is better than no job + we weren't adversed to relocating. now, he has been diong the new job since Jan,.commuting every day, resulting in over 150 miles every day + over 3 hours travelling due to shocking traffic. 4 months ago we decided to sell the house + relocate, a mammoth task in itself as I would have to find a new job + we would be moving away from family who only live a couple of miles away currently. only, this plan hasn't worked out all that well as we have had very little interest in the house, never mind any offers. my house is lovely + I really can't understand it, other than someone, somewhere really doesn't want us to move!?! my hubby is now staying in a hotel 2 nights a week to try and relieve the pressure, millage + travel,now I miss him so much. I know it sounds crazy, its only 2 nights but I hate it, I really hate it. we haven't spent more than a week apart in 13 years before now + all of a sudden he is away 2 nights every week  :'( I just don't know what to do, the option of him finding another job is impossible as here just aren't any where we currently live, we can't rent the house as the mortgage is too high so we have to sell but there's no buyers out there so until then, is a horrible lonely existenceg for us both  :'( not forgetting of course, we are still dreaming of having a family + the thoughts of our final throw of the ivf dice! Many have life much tougher than me, I am very aware of that + try not to let it get the better of me too much but sometimes, like tonight, when I'm alone, all I can do is cry....

It's been a while

I can't actually believe how long it has been since my last post. Time is going way too fast...... I've actually nothing to report on the IVF front. I still cant face going through another cycle. Maybe one say, but right now the thought of it is too much. I think I want, no, I need counselling but the counsellor at my clinic was rubbish and I can't afford to play for the sessions privately. I went to see a lovely lady who did a free first consultation and discovered there were quite a few issues I needed to work through, particularly around what happened last year with my gran, then my dad, as well as the whole IVF rollercoaster. The problem is e see trying to sell the house and relocate to Warwick for my husbands job... which is a whole other nightmare itself! He is currently commuting a 150 mile round trip every day! It's been incredibly slow with viewings with no sign of any offerswhich 7
I can't understand, my house is bloody lovely and very well priced! I certainly wouldn't have moving if we didn't have to! It's one of the other reasons I'm so reluctant to think about IVF again as we need to save our money to move, which leaves nown for IVF.
I've had renewed hope and fight today after trying since updates on a fellow bloggers IVF journey. I am so incredibly pleased that they have had success, not only that but a potential natural miracle, something I, naively maybe, but something I still hope for...

I'm going to start to post regularly again, maybe this can become my therapy instead.

Feeling blue

Don't know what's wrong with me at the min. Constantly feeling really low + feel like I've have forgotten how to smile. Everything seems like it's rubbing my face in it, everywhere I look, every page I turn, there seems to be a new announcement, another birth, someone else sharing their happy news + it furiates me that something so wonderful can make me feel so bad. I wish I could stop feeling like this, I just don't know how + right now, it's tearing me apart :-(

Emotional

It's been a while since I last posted on my blog and I really think its time I started offloading my feelings again. To say I'm a little emotional at the moment is probably rather an understatement. I'm all over the bloody place! I dont really know what to think or feel. My main emotion is of pure sadness with a little anger and frustration thrown in for good measure. Its breaking my heart seeing others happily pregnant or with babies. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having a family and living their lives, whilst it feels like we are stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward, just waiting for the next round of heartbreak. I really dont know when that will be as DH starts a new job in Jan which is a big change as he has been with his current company over 10 years. It is also quite a distance from where we live and the commute, although doable in the short term, is too expensive and tiring to do long term, which means we will have to move sometime next year, meaning new house and new job for me....not good when you are planning on getting pregnant, although that just sounds somewhat ridiculous tbh. The thought of me ever being pg sounds like some sort of sick joke, something that is just never going to happen and merely mentioning it sounds simply cruel. I'm a mess, pure and simple. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore. My heart aches but I am also absolutely terrified of putting myself through another round of IVF. The last 2 have gone far from well and I just dont know if I am strong enough to go through that pain again, both physically and emotionally. There is very little of me left now, if we have another disastrous IVF, I really dont know if I will be able to make it through to the other side.

So much has happened recently. My Gran died in Aug then my dad was rushed to hospital needing life saving surgery. We came so close to losing him I cant begin to explain. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Thankfully the operation was successful and he is slowly recovering, which is amazing, I couldnt bare to lose my dad. This year really has been one of the worst and it started off with a failed fet. I just think if we had treatment again early next year, it would only spark off another dreadful year....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it could also spark the start on an amazing year, true but given my past history of tx, its hardly likely is it.

I just hate feeling this way, so hurt and angry and thoroughly pissed off with the world. It hurts me so much that I can feel angry at my own family that they can have children and I cant. What kind of person does that make me? I love my nieces to the ends of the earth and back, I would do anything for them, I am down as their guardian should (absolute heaven forbid) anything happen to my sister and b-i-l. They are my world, so how can seeing them all as a family hurt me so much, I would rather not see them at all sometimes....its just wrong but I cant stop how I feel.

I see so many updates of friends/family sharing their happy news with the world on FB and all I want to do is shout and scream, "congratulations, now fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face".....now I know that is the last thing they are doing and I should be nothing but happy for them, but I cant and that in itself hurts like hell. I dont want to be that miserable cow in the corner that stays away from everyone because she cant handle others happiness. Thats not the life I want to live.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to live each month in mindless bliss. To just switch off and not spend every waking moment thinking about the world of infertility, ivf and everything that surrounds it, needles, drugs, scans and terrifying phone calls. Oh yes, lets not forget those evil little capsules of loveliness that are vaginal suppositories! The IVF world really is full of excitement and wonder you know! You stupidly fertile people dont know what you are missing out on.....why wouldnt you want to stab yourself with a needle several times a day for weeks on end, travel to the fertility clinic most days only to lie on a bed with you legs spread wide and have a long probe pushed inside you and proded around looking for those pesky ovaries that will no doubt be hiding just to make it that bit more uncomfortable. Why wouldnt you want to have even more needles stuck in you for blood tests to see what your stupid hormones are doing. To get to egg collection day, only to come round from the sedation, assuming you are lucky enough to attend a clinic that does actually sedate you...otherwise you get to be wide awake as they once again, spread your legs, this time in stirrups (oh yes, nothing but glamour for IVF ladies), they then stick a needle, yes NEEDLE!, through your ovary and into the follicles to hopefully retrieve an egg...or hopefully several eggs...if you are lucky! Then it is an agonising wait as they take the eggs into the lab to meet the sperm, romantic isnt it!? Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that this torture isnt restricted to us ladies, our wonderful men have to go through a little red faced fun too....they get to trot off into a little room, with a few dirty mags or even a dirty tv channel or 2 if you go somewhere posh, nothing but the best in IVF! Here, they get to do their thing into a little pot, not missing a drop as every little counts! See, IVF really is THAT glamorous! It doesnt get any better after that. If you are lucky enough to end up with something of use to actually put back, once again you get to spread your legs in a room full of people, this time DH included (yep, you get to endure this indignity in front of your DH!) as they prod and poke you again as they put back what you lovingly call your little embie.....whilst praying you dont pee on the poor sod doing the transfer as you have to have a full bladder, not exaclty easy when they are pushing down on said bladder as they scan your stomach to see where they are poking...the joys of IVF eh?! I'm sure you fertile people are just gutted you too dont have this kind of fun making a baby. Nah, you get to get pissed, have a quickie in the back of the car and hey presto, 2 lines appear. Or of course, for those in loving relationships, have a cheeky glass of wine, put on the romantic tunes and have a night of passionate love making...same result though, 2 lines. Us in the infertile world can only dream of such miracles...but I wouldnt say I'm bitter, no not at all....more like thoroughly PISSED OFF with the world and the complete lack of understand it is able to give us.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannndd breathe.....

incredibly confused

I really don't know what to think or feel. One minute I'm all for trying again and going through one last ivf cycle but then i suddenly feel far too scared and would rather walk on hot coals than go through it all again. I know in many ways it is probably just fear that is making me doubt it all but i have such a strong feeling that it is never going to work, so why bother? It seems an incredibly large amount of money to spend on something that you feel is never going to work + i know that those thoughts alone are enough to stop it working anyway!? The tests results came back as expected, normal, whatever the hell that is? They don't give you anymore detail than that so I've no idea what our level of said normal is? I know it's good news that nothing is wrong but at the same time we are still left with no answers as to why the fcuk we can't get pregnant, let alone have any chance of a healthy pregnancy + baby. It is all just so hard to accept. We are a happily married couple who love each other very much, we have a good home, stable income + could offer all the love any child needs, so why us? Why are we the ones who have to struggle, go through this hell only to be heartbroken at the end once again. I know it's cliche + selfish but i can't help but ask WHY? I feel so lost + confused, my life plan was mapped out, i was happy, now it's all going wrong + i don't know who i am or who i am supposed to be anymore? I just want that happy ending everyone dreams of, why is that too much to ask for?

And so it begins...

...the final chapter of our baby journey.  We have finally decided to give it one last try.  Tomorrow we are booked in for the chromosome/Karyotype bloods and dh has the pleasure of doing a sperm sample for the DNA fragmentation test.  I'm really not sure if I'm hoping they will show something up or not....if it shows something that we can treat, then all is good but if it shows something that isnt treatable, then thats it, game over, end of journey, no baby.  The thought of either scares me somewhat!  I really hope we just get some answers one way or another.  I cant wait to get the test results back and get on with our 1st and last funded cycle.  We made the decision to do this cycle as my wonderful mother-in-law offered to pay for it for us.  It was a gift far too good to refuse.  I think we need to have a clear line in the sand though before we commence this as we dont want to lose the next 10 years of our lives to IVF.  As much as we want a baby, we also know how precious life is and will not surrender it to the constant pressures and heartache of IVF.  I feel like I've said this a thousand times before but come what may, this is the end of our baby journey.  I am absolutely terrified of going through this cycle but feel we have to do it to be able to trust that whatever the result we have given everything we can to our journey and can look back with no regrets if it just isnt meant to be.

Bring on the needles!

Goodbye Gran

My darling Gran passed away on Sunday 12th August.  It may sound strange but I am honoured to say it was my husband and I that were by her side when she peacfully slipped away.  I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere else than with her.  It had been a very traumatic week for the whole family after she was rushed to hospital with immense stomach pains.  We were taken on the most horrific rollercoaster I have ever experienced and never want to experience again.  My family are incredibly close and no-one wanted my Gran to be left alone in hospital.  We all adored her so much.  We set up a rotation between us all to ensure one of us was with her 24/7 and she was never alone.  After many differernt opinions, the doctors finally confirmed that she had a serious blood clot to her bowel which was effectively killing it off. My Gran was 84 and wasnt strong enough for an operation.  After too many heartbreaking nights with my Gran begging us all to help her and stop her pain, the doctors finally admitted that there was nothing they could do for my Gran and it was time to put her on the Liverpool Care (end of life) Plan which would manage her pain and ease any other symptoms.  Everyone she loved and cared about had been to visit her, even all her great-grandchildren which I know she  was thankful for and really enjoyed.  She felt at peace and ready to go.  Within an hour of starting her on the plan, her pain was gone and she went into a restful deep sleep.  When my husband and I took over from my mum & dad at 5am Sunday morning, there was no change, she was still sleeping peacfully.  At 8.15am her breathing was slowing...she was slipping away.  I immediately rang all the family who rushed to be by her side but I knew they werent going to make it.  Within minutes, she was gone.  I held her hand throughout and told her how much we all loved her and that we would miss her incredibly but it was time for her to rest now.  Gran's funeral is on Tuesday 28th Aug and it will be the hardest day of my life but I know she is safe and happy now.  No more worries, no more pain, just freedom and happiness, back with my grandad where she belongs.

Gran,
I will miss you always, love you forever
xxxxxxxxxx

Not to be :o(

Its taken me a while to be able to come back here.  The results where unsurprisingly negative.  I was still kinda in shock I guess as I felt so sure that I was pregnant.  Even after the 2nd bfn, I almost couldnt believe it was true.  AF was still completely awol and I felt the same, even after stopping the meds but eventually the evil one turned up and reality finally sunk in...it had failed, I really wasnt having a baby.  The hurt and pain kicked in big time and I was absolutely gutted, I just felt numb and sad, still do in many ways.  I'm trying to accept that this part of our lives is over and it is time for plan b and moving on with our lives, albeit in a direction different to that we would have preferred.  We have our review 1st May which we will go to with an open mind, but I am pretty sure they will tell me what I already know, my eggs are no good :o(  not a nice thing to hear at 28.  It still really hurts and I often feel sad and upset that our future may never have our own family in it but we are trying to move on and live our lives the way we always said we would if a baby never came our way.  We have also decided to bring our plans to move to Cornwall forward quite dramatically.  We aim to move in the next 5 years as opposed to when we retired!!  Life is just too short to wait until you are old!!

I may not post on here again as our baby journey has pretty much come to an end but thank you to anyone who has read my blog and lots of love, luck and babydust to anyone who wants it.

Love to all xxxx

To be or not to be....

I guess that is the question right now.

So OTD eventually came around and on Sat 24th March at 4.30am I could hold my pee no longer!  With dh awake, I peed in the pot and we sat on the bed together.  With my hands shaking and my heart positively thumping out of my chest, I did the tests (yes, tests!  I did the Care one, an internet cheapy and a CBD).  As the control lines appeared on 2 of the tests, I found myself slowly shaking my head.  I knew they were going to be negative :o(  3 long minutes passed and those heartbreaking words, that no IVF couple ever wish to see, appeared - 'Not Pregnant'.  A silent tear rolled  down my cheek.  I just couldnt believe it.  I was shocked and stunned.  I honestly thought I was pregnant.  Esp after the cruelest of dreams only 30 mins before had very clearly shown me the CBD saying 'Pregnant' :o(  With the tests in the bin, I lay in my bed wrapped in my hubby's arms, silent tears falling as my brain struggled to take in the result. 
Just to make our weekend even harder, dh had to work so I was left alone with my thoughts....I slept.  It was the only thing I could do, I felt so numb.  As requested, I rang care at 11am with the result.  I was given that horrible instruction to remain on the meds and test again on Tues :o(  As af hasnt made an appearance, there is still the smallest of chances our bfn could change to a bfp due to late implantation.....although it is much more likely that the meds are actually the ones holding off af *rolls eyes*.  Yes, it is possible that it could be late implantation but the chances are miniscule.  It just feels like we are prolonging the agony, only to face another heartbreaking bfn :o(  DH didnt get home until very late last night and has been at work all day again today so I have hardly seen him.  I have spent most of the weekend alone with my thoughts.  Its been very lonely and sad and I will be very glad when Tues has been and gone and we can move on with our lives one way or another.

Too scared for words

Tomorrow is otd + I'm absolutely petrified. The thought of testing fills me with utter dread. I can't think about anything else, my head is a mess! I honestly have no idea what it will be, bfn or bfp. I could quite easily convince myself either way. On my positive days, its like how can o not be? Its obvious with my symptoms. On my negative days, its like, how can I possibly be? Its impossible. This whole process is just so incredibly hard + the 2ww is pure torture.
I guess this time tomorrow, I will already have my answer :-/

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The Incredible Journey...

...loved that film!

Although, I'm obviously referring to this crazy rollercoaster that is IVF.  6dpt and I'm already struggling with thoughts of the end of this agonising 2ww.  The times itself isnt going too slowly, its the thought of that test that fills me with crippling fear.  The mere thought of testing makes my heart stop and my stomach lurch.  To say I'm scared is somewhat an understatement.  With each day that passes, I want that BFP more than anything in the world.  To know that our beautiful little embie has made it and is now well on its way to becoming our beautiful little baby would be truly a dream come true...no really, I'm dreaming about it most nights!!  I think what makes this part of the journey so hard is not knowing.  Not knowing whether or not your little one is surviving in there, still growing and doing everything each day that the dpt guide tells you it should be doing.  Of course you try and spot every little sign and symptom possible, but know deep down that you cant actually tell a thing, there is no way of knowing, none at all.  You just have to do as you are told and get through each day, hoping and praying that all is ok and your little bean is still with you, still growing and becoming a part of you.  We have 9 days to go and in the grand scheme of things thats nothing.  Its not the days to go that I find hard, I'm patient, I have waited over 5 years to get to this stage, I can surely wait another 9 days!  Its actually reaching the end of those 9 days then having to take the biggest, most important test of my life...thats what puts true fear into my heart.  I can picture both outcomes you see, I feel the utter joy and disbelief of a positive result.  I see the tears of true happiness in my husbands eyes as I tell him we've done it, we are pregnant, we're having a baby!!!  Then, I feel the pure heartache of it being negative.  The physical pain that courses through your whole body, still the tears in my husbands eyes but the hurt and pain behind them also.  Its 50/50 isnt it.  Either positive or negative and right now there is pretty much bugger all I can do to influence the outcome.  Its all down to nature now.  All I can do is rest, relax, hope and pray....believe me I'm doing all of those things in absolute bucket fulls.

Hold tight little baby, mummy & daddy love you so much already xxxx

Loving this feeling!

3dpt and so far so good.  I've been very well behaved and resting loads!  I obviously dont know if we will get our BFP or not but right now I'm just really enjoying having my little embie on board :o)  Its crazy really but I really do feel connected to her, shes my baby already.  Apparently, I'm 2 weeks 6 days pregnant!!!!  It may not official but technically this is where I am and it feels amazing!  The pic of our beautiful embie is on the fridge door and I talk to her all the time, telling her to grow and develop into my beautiful strong baby :o)  I just feel sure she will be ok (I say she because I dont like 'it' but a boy will be just as wonderful!) Love you little one xxxx

I'm PUPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!  What a rollercoaster few days.  Our frosties came out on Wednesday 7th March and that afternoon we were met with the shock news that only 2 of them had survived the thaw :o(  This was absolutely gutting news, I thought it was all over.  How could these lone 2 survive to day 3 when 4 had already perished at thaw?  I was devastated.  Little did I know that our little 2 embies were real survivors!  The next morning, I got the dreaded phone call, only to be suprised with the news that our little ones had survived the night and were now 3 cells each :o)  My god, I was happy!  We were to have transfer the next day at 9.30am but were to get another scary phone call at 8am to confirm they had continued to develop overnight.  The phone call came with the lovely news that they were both still ok.  Only 4 cells but this was still growth....transfer was going ahead!!!  Never had we got this far before, I couldnt believe it!  By the time we got there, our strongest little embie had fought on to gain another cell, now a beautiful 5 cell, grade 2 :o)  The transfer itself wasnt pleasant.  I was desperate for a wee and thanks to endo, I think, was fairly painful.  We got there in the end though and our lovely little embie is now safely back where it belongs, in its mummy, snuggling down for the long haul :o)  I'm extremely happy but very nervous of the next couple of weeks!  OTD is 24th March, bring it on!!!

Scary, scary, scary!

Tomorrow is D-Day. The day our 6 little frosties come out to play. Scared doesn't even come close! As confident + positive as I'm feeling, its still utterly terrifying!! The next 3 days are going to be incredibly nerve wrecking! I just keep telling myself by the weekend, we will know where we stand + how the game is going to go! Fingers, toes + all the bits inbetween firmly crossed please :-) xxxxx

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