Time to move on

So, once again, time has done a disappearing act and another 6 months have passed. Where the heck it goes,I truly have no clue. What I do know, however, is that it's time for change. Now is my time, time to put my energy into me and by this, I mean finding myself again. I am ready to move on and find who I am now. I want to say I want to go back to who I used to be but I don't believe in going backwards. I need to look forward and find out who I am now, battered, bruised and scarred but alive and able to to tell my tale without breaking down into a crumpled mess.

This blog has been necessary. It's helped me cope through utter hell, been my sounding board, my screaming place, my shoulder to cry on and at times, my lifeline. But it's time to end this story and move on. So, I'm going to say goodbye to this blog and start up a new one. One that tells the next chapter in my story. My journey to self discovery and sorting my shit out, once and for all...

Goodbye and thank you xxx

Really????

I've genuinely absolutely no idea how it's been so long since my last post. I was certain it had only been about a year. So much time has passed and so much has happened... Although still no baby I'm afraid 😢
One massive change, is that we now live in Cornwall 😁 At least that's one dream come true. One that I thought would always be out of reach, but we did it, we made it happen 😊 I'm so blessed that we get to walk on the beach every day, it means the absolute world to me. It's the only place I feel safe and at home. Somewhere my heart feels like it could actually heal one day. I feel like I can breathe. It's far from easy, although I've learnt that nothing in life ever is, but the plans we made when we moved there have pretty much gone to shit! Life is very slowly coming good though and I've so much faith that we will be ok. My husband and I are so lucky to have each other. Together we are an incredibly strong couple and for that I am eternally grateful. What we have, I know so many only dream of and I try to never take that for granted.
I do have to admit that I find this time of year incredibly difficult. So many people make a big point of Christmas being all about children and I can't argue with that because generally...it is! The problem with that is that when you want, but can't have children, it makes Christmas feel seriously shit. I used to adore Christmas, my tree up on 1st December without fail, but now, I dread it, that abject misery and feeling of emptiness is utterly compounded by the lack of children...to create elf on the shelf scenarios for, to hide presents from, to awake at the crack of dawn on Xmas day, full of excitement and bewilderment that Santa has been.... Without children all of that is nonexistent 😢
I hadn't intended on my first post in such a long time to be so down beat, it's just such a thought provoking, heart wrenching time of year, you can't help but feel reflective and just a little bit sorrowful....

stop the clock

If only we could...stop the clock that is. Time is ticking by far too quickly, both physically + emotionally. Everytime I logon here to post, it's been months yet only feels like a matter of weeks. I'm also terrifyingly aware that my body clock is ticking away at an alarming rate. I'm 33 now and whilst that isn't exactly old, it is when you're talking fertility and ivf and even more so when you add endometriosis into the mix 😔 I always wanted to be a young mum, now I face the very real possibility, I may never be a mum at all.

I'd like to say that I'm ok with that, but it would be bullshit! Whilst the thought no longer has me crying uncontrollably, it still hurts like hell. It doesn't help that there are currently 3 pregnancies in our family. I don't wish to take such joy away from anyone, it just hurts that it has never been and may never be me. We may never get to make that exciting announcement that we're expecting, or post proud, sickeningly happy pictures of our newborn baby. To feel that pure love + adoration that being a parent brings.
Yeah ok, so I'm not exactly over it, having graciously accepted my lot but hey, I'm trying!

Time....wtf does it go?!

I was almost certain I had only posted my last blog a few weeks ago...how the hell it was back in October I've no idea!

Anyways, onto the real reason for this post....

I'm fecked off, simple as that! I'm sure anyone that has ever experienced the shitness that is infertility will understand this one. I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being the one who has to make other people feel better for MY infertility! Errr, hello, it's me that's fucking going through this shitness. Me that's suffered the ongoing heartache, month after month after month, yet somehow, I'M the one that has to comfort others so that they don't feel bad when they stick their, seriously ignorant, size fucking 15's, right into my heart. When stupid people ask stupid, thoughtless questions, like, "don't you want any children?", I'M the one who has to make shit up so that they don't feel bad for their ignorance, when all I want to do is scream and shout about how fucking stupid and ignorant they are, how they need to actually engage brain before they open their mouths. Surely it is those people that need to expand their mindset to consider other people and understand that not everyone's lives work out as the pathetic fairytales lead us to believe is how real life works. Infertility is what is real, it's prevalent in so many people's everyday lives, yet there is still so much ignorance and stigma surrounding this soul destroying heartbreak. It's utterly ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off with having to be the one to make other people feel better, for THEIR OWN ignorance!

And breathe...

Pain

That's what had brought me back to my blog. Horrendous amounts of pain. I've been lucky, for the past few years, I haven't experienced pain to the levels I had previously grown used to. Only now it's back and as agonizing as ever and I have absolutely no idea of how to cope with it.

I'm talking about endometriosis. It seems that my relatively pain free days are well and truly over and, practically overnight, I am back to constant, unbearable pain. The type that only my endo sisters will fully understand, the type that can have you on your knees in seconds, as the searing pain rips through you like a knife. That's before the red hot poker kicks in too. My oh my that fecker is evil. Unrelenting pain like nothing you've ever experienced before.

So, I'm now back to living on pain killers, glued to anything hot, in my case, a heated wheat bag in the shape of gromit! I'm hoping to see a specialist consultant soon but have to get Bupa to approved him first....just another battle!

I have a feeling I'll be back again soon...tiggers baby journey has taken an unscheduled detour....